If there’s ever a time to be shamelessly hedonistic, it’s college. We chase whatever feels good, and nothing feels more college than a friend with benefits. But I’ve noticed something about the people in these arrangements. Most of them aren’t having good sex. They’re just not leaving.Â
“Friends with benefits” is sold as the simple option. You’re attracted to each other, you want to have sex, and nobody has to have the “what are we?” conversation. It’s supposed to be a transaction. Pleasure in, pleasure out.Â
So what happens when the benefits aren’t beneficial?
Here’s what nobody wants to admit. If the sex is bad and you’re still going over there, it was never about the sex. You’re not staying because they’re going to suddenly figure out your body. You’re staying because you like them. You like the way they talk to you at 2 a.m. You like that you guys have good banter. You like lying in their bed afterward more than whatever happened before it. That’s not a hookup. That’s a crush with extra steps. It’s an emotional connection, and an emotional connection is the foundation of a relationship.Â
And somewhere along the way, we decided to rename this whole thing. We stopped saying FWB (friends with benefits) and started saying “situationship.” It sounds more self-aware, like we’re finally admitting there’s something there. But a situationship is just an FWB arrangement that caught feelings and refused to do anything about it. You get the jealousy, the overthinking, and the checking who viewed your story. What you don’t get is the security, the dates, or the right to be upset when they go quiet for three days. All the emotional labor of a relationship with none of the benefits — ironic, considering.
If you can do casual well, I applaud that! If you and your partner want sex and only sex, and you’re both getting what you came for (literally), keep doing your thing. Casual sex is valid. Wanting no strings is valid. The problem is lying to yourself about what you’re in when it’s not exactly FWB.
So why do we hold on to the label? Because it’s a wall. If you say, “I want to date you” and they say no, you lose everything. If you keep it casual, you never have to hear the rejection. You get to pretend you’re the cool girl who doesn’t catch feelings, even though you’ve already caught them, named them, and imagined what your kids would look like.
A lot of us are also waiting for the perfect partner. We treat dating like it has to end in marriage, so anyone who isn’t “the one” doesn’t deserve the title. But you won’t end up with everyone you date. That was never the point. The point of dating someone is to enjoy their presence while you have it. It’s to learn what you like, what you need, and who you are around another person.Â
You are a human being. Your feelings will get hurt at some point, and that’s okay. Getting hurt is proof you let yourself feel something. There’s no need to hide behind a label to avoid that. We would rather sleep with someone mediocre for six months than risk one honest conversation, and that says more about our fear than our feelings.Â
And the part that really gets me is that bad sex with someone you’re emotionally connected to is fixable. Sex gets better when you trust someone. It gets better when you can say “a little to the left” without feeling like you’re critiquing their whole existence. It gets better when they actually care whether you finish, not because it proves something about them, but because they care about you. That kind of communication is hard to build in an arrangement where both of you are trying so hard not to care.
The FWB label actually keeps the sex bad. You can’t teach someone your body when you’re pretending you don’t want them to stick around long enough to learn it.
So finally, here’s my case: If you’re staying for the connection, stop hiding behind the benefits — date them. Take them to dinner. Ask what they want. Let the relationship be a relationship, and give the sex the chance to get better the way it usually does: through actually knowing each other.
If you ask and they don’t want the same thing? Good. Now you know. Give them back their hoodie and pick up the earrings you “accidentally” left on their desk. Make room for someone who wants to learn you on purpose.
The most casual thing you can do is be honest about how not casual you are. If it’s the person you want and not the sex, you already know the answer. Just date them. I rest my case.