When you first told me you liked me
“Like” the word that can bloom into “love”
I shivered terribly; perhaps it was excitement
or perhaps it was fear.
The first sign that falling in love
is a terrifying thing.
I was the one who broke it off
both times.
“You broke his heart”
“You really hurt him”
“He really likes you”
The words people said to me
as if I never liked you, as if
I was not hurting.
Fine.
I will be the girl who broke your heart when you were a boy.
Your love was sunlight
Constant, reliable and unbelievably warm
The thought of sunlight going away
made me shiver once again.
The world felt frigid in the shade.
Perhaps that is why I ended it
The thought of being without you later
scared me more deeply
than the thought of being without you now.
Better to get used to the shade
before I am wrenched from the sun.
Was this love?
My mother said it wasn’t,
that for me to let go so easily made it no so.
Yet, this may be my love.
Another came: the moon.
Moonlight is not so intense, vibrant
I wanted the moon to become my new sun,
but it is impossible.
The moon wanted to shine his light somewhere else.
“He cares about you. He wants you to succeed more than anyone.”
That is moonlight, not sunlight.
The moon did become someone’s sun,
just not mine.
At first, I felt like he had been taken from me,
but he was never mine to give.
i know that his light must feel warm,
on someone else’s skin.
“You’ll find someone in college.”
“Someone good and smart and kind.”
“Someone you deserve.”
“You deserve better.”
How do you know what I deserve? What do I deserve?
The only time I felt the sunlight,
I walked into the shade on my own.
Plenty of other people search for sunlight in college
Some find it.
Many don’t.
Many are too busy: attending class, going to club meetings,
writing papers, taking tests, studying, making friends,
staying alive
to look for any sunlight.
Some people like to be in the shade
Some are there by choice
Some people feel that they are destined to the shade,
resigned to it.
There is no shame to be found to stand in the shade.
Some found sunlight
and as its warmth wane whined
that finding another sun after college was a pain,
impossible even.
What a poor reason
I thought, to stay standing in the sun.
Now college is almost over, and I’m
still standing in the shade, have
been for five years now.
You found someone else to shine
your sunlight on, and it becomes you.
I still shiver at the thought of knowing the feeling of warmth
and having it taken away.
It amazes me continually how you, and others, are
so open to weakness to let in love;
whereas I would prefer to stay in the shade
where it is too cold to feel any pain.
Perhaps it is too presumptuous to hope
that someday a sun will shine so brightly
that the shadows will have nowhere to run
and I will have no shade to hide under.
For now, I’ll keep standing in the shade
and enjoy its coolness.
Maybe someday I’ll extend my hand out
to feel the warmth of sunlight.