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Mental Health

I Almost Took My Life And Now I’m Grateful To Be Alive

I once read a quote that said, “There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” I was so good at hiding physical scars on my body, but my emotional scars as well. It’s been over a year since I was ready to take my life and for the pain to finally be over. Although sometimes it still hurts, I am thankful that I get to wake up every morning and have a chance at a new day, because I learned that I have a purpose in the world: to share my story with others and help someone going through something similar.

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College did not start off the way I expected it to. I struggled with severe anxiety, loneliness and the trauma of a sexual assault. When I was with people, I would smile and wipe away my tears like nothing was wrong when in reality, I felt like I was slipping away from who I was. Avoidance only starts to build up and eventually my depression worsened to the point where I would do anything to get rid of the pain, including hurting myself. In my heart, I knew that I didn’t want to, but I just was so miserable that it felt like my only option. I prepared everything to end my life: wrote suicide notes and goodbye messages and figured out my method to take myself out of my misery. I remember hysterically crying on the floor and wishing someone would stop me from what I was about to do. If it wasn’t for my sister begging me not to do it, I probably would not be here today. My sister made me realize that I still had people who loved me and didn’t deserve to lose me. At least I could live for them.

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It took me a while to fully stop hurting myself and to realize that I am alive not just for my family and the people around me, but because I want to be. I believe that everyone is put in the world for a reason. Your life has meaning. I am grateful that I get to wake up in the morning and blast One Direction while dancing around my room. I am grateful every time I work out or go on a walk. I learned to be grateful for everything I do and to take joy in it. Even when I am stressed or overwhelmed with school and activities, I will take a breather and realize how grateful I am to even have the ability to do any of the things that I do. I had to accept myself for who I am and realize that I’m not perfect, but nobody is. I also had to find out that my depression and my scars were nothing to be ashamed of but rather something to be proud of. The scars on my body remind me of how hard I fought to be here today and I know that I won’t give up no matter how hard it gets.

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Everyone goes through low points in their life, but it isn’t worth ending your life. It may not seem like it when you are taken over with emotions, but people do care about you and you are going to do great things in life. If I could talk to myself a year ago I would tell myself that it’s okay to hurt, but you’re never alone.

Caitlyn studied at UCLA where she majored in English and minored in film. She loves writing about all things lifestyle and entertainment related. When she is not writing articles, she loves going to hot yoga, reading, and binge-watching One Tree Hill for the hundredth time!
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