If you’re like me, you like to have control over everything. And I mean, everything. If I am going out with friends, I like to plan out my entire schedule down to when I should be getting into bed for sleep. However, life can’t always be calculated down to the hour. This was a hard lesson I had to learn when I realized it was ruining my life.
One of the ways that being a control freak almost ruined me was the fact that it gave me anxiety every single day. I have a schedule of how I expect things to go, and when those things don’t go according to plan, I worry. When my schedule gets changed, it makes me feel like I have no control over anything and that my life is falling apart. My schedule is how I make sure I am efficient and getting everything done. Not having a set schedule made me feel like a slob. It was not just about anxiety though. The need to have control also impacted my mood around those I love.
Which brings me to my next example of how being a control freak was hurting me. Because I liked to plan out everything by the hour and by the minute, I would get upset when friends were late or when things took longer than I expected. I was not able to live in the moment because I was looking at the clock thinking about the future. My friends would notice that I got annoyed and tried to get me to enjoy myself, but it was basically impossible for them to do that. Eventually, they got upset as well and reminded me that I could not have control over everything. Not only did I inhibit myself from having having fun, but I also ruined the moments for my friends. At the time, I realized I had to start making changes because I was affecting people’s lives.
Trying to control everything also depressed me. When I made my friends upset at me because I was not happy that things did not go according to plan, I felt like I was a bad friend. I beat myself up over not being able to just relax for a few moments instead of needing to schedule everything. I felt like there was something wrong with me for not being able to enjoy myself.
However, I did not let my depression get the best of me. I slowly began to change my attitude towards life by not trying to plan everything. I still had a schedule for school, but if I went out with friends, I would not stare at the clock the entire time. I told myself that random mental health breaks with friends was better than studying or doing homework the entire day. I also tried to not let the change of plans affect me. There was no reason to blow up and be snarky about the way certain events played out. I realized that not being a control freak allowed me to live a better and happier life. I could still get everything done even if I did not have control over everything in my life.