Have you ever thought about yourself at one point in the past and thought, “Wow, what a literal IDIOT”? I don’t know if it’s because of Snapchat’s “one year ago today” feature or maybe it’s quarantine leaving me alone with my own thoughts too often, but lately I’ve been doing this a lot. Although it may not seem like much, I’ve realized that thinking about myself in this way has been doing more harm than good. After all, I would never beat up a friend over making honest mistakes like the ones I have made, so why should myself be any different? It took me a while to come to this realization, and it sure was a wild ride, but I’m glad I experienced it.
Last summer, I was super big on self-improvement. I was constantly seeking out podcasts about self-growth. I was eating healthy all the time, working out and trying to become the best version of myself (mentally and physically). This could have been an all-around positive goal, but my reasons for it weren’t good for me.
I wasn’t working out and eating healthier because I wanted to be healthier- it was because I dreaded what I had turned into. I gained weight freshman year of college (a common experience most of us have), and I hated that I let myself get to that point. I also felt the need to grow mentally. I was more of an introvert, and I remember being in social situations and feeling the need to force extroversion. I didn’t wanna be seen as quiet or anti-social. So, I shed down all the weight I gained, forced myself to speak more (even when I didn’t feel the need to) and, in a way, I forced my confidence. During this time, I’ll admit, I felt great about everything and didn’t see anything wrong with it. After all, lazy, introverted, unhealthy Ashley from freshman year was no more.
The funny thing is, I told myself this exact thing all year. But recently, I found myself hating on sophomore Ashley. It was a similar situation: telling myself “Wow, you were so dumb a year ago for trying way too hard to change and improve yourself. I’m not even trying that hard right now, and my mental health is at an all-time high.” Once again, I was treating my past-self way harsher than I would ever treat a friend. Let’s check the facts, shall we? Yes, maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself a year ago, and maybe I didn’t need to force all that extroversion. But I was joining more clubs and meeting amazing people. I was advocating for myself more and realizing who my true friends were. It wasn’t as simple as “Ashley in the past was dumb, and Ashley now is superior,” which is something I often find myself believing in.
I don’t know if there will ever be a “superior” version of myself. There will always be growth, whether that develops intentionally or not, but one Ashley is not above any other. All are learning, and all still have much to learn.
I know that I’ll look back on this exact moment (September 2020 Ashley currently typing at her computer during a time where she may have the most brain noise than she has ever had in her entire life) a year from now and think, for a split second, “weak.” But, then I’ll let it go. Because it’s simply just a thought. It’s not reality, and reality is that September 2020 Ashley is doing just fine. She goes a little stir-crazy from time to time, but she doesn’t beat herself up as much. She’s learning to accept and grow from her mistakes in the past, present and future. And, future Ashley, thanks to her, you’re stronger.