The term “boysober” was popularized by TikTok user Hope Woodward @justhopinalong, as a means of describing a period of celibacy and no romance. The term gained traction in late December, as she explained in various videos on her account about her decision to embark on a “boysober” journey for the year of 2024. She describes the “boysober rules” she established with a group of her friends, detailing “no dating apps, no dates, no exes, no situationships… no hugs and kisses, etc.”
The reason her video stuck with me was one particular quote, in which she says: “…my whole life I’ve been saying ‘oh I’m single I’m single I’m single…’ but no. I’ve never been single. I’ve always had a situationship. You’re not single if someone is taking up your brain space.”
This hit home for me, as I used to be someone who – although I tried my best not to – got caught up in the whirlwind and excitement that the idea of romance provided for a long time. I was quick to over-invest all of my mental energy into daydreaming and overthinking all of my conversations, and regrettably shed a few too many tears over crushes and situationships that my friends knew were going to blow up from the second they started.
But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more and more disillusioned with the idea of romance. I’ve realized that love can only enhance what you already have and feel about yourself – both the good and the bad. If I’m not happy and content with who I am and what I provide for myself, how can I expect myself to give that love to someone else? So, I think it’s time that I start taking up my own brain space!
As I embark on my own boysober journey, here are some of the action steps I’ll be taking to continue my own personal growth, be the most authentic version of myself, and become my own Valentine!
- Recognizing My Worth
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I know this one sounds cliché, but it’s true! There’s something incredibly validating about understanding what you bring to the table as an individual, and how your unique qualities are invaluable to who you are. Learning to appreciate our traits, strengths, quirks, skills, hobbies, and interests as something to be proud of reminds us that we are important and deserving of what comes our way.
- Understanding My Values
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Our values are the compass of our lives. When we do things that don’t align with our values, we tend to feel lost or like we’re not doing something right. Defining my values matters because I want to make choices that feel the most authentic to me. This is also a helpful skill for the future as you meet new people. Knowing whether or not your values align can help you decide to what extent you want them in your life.
- Releasing Expectations
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As humans, we’re wired to think about the future, but this can create an unhealthy trap for us. We spend so much time fantasizing about a future that if only we could reach it, we would become the happiest versions of ourselves. Since we spend so much time trying to avoid the discomfort of the present by imagining a better future, we feel dissatisfied once that discomfort remains even as we reach our goals. By learning to accept things as they are – whether that be people, situations, or feelings – and doing what we can to change the things we’re able to in the moment, we can learn to live our lives without expectations.
- Practicing Awareness
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In order to be a more authentic version of myself, I need to realize when I’m not. If there was a count of how many times in my life I’ve pretended to think a joke was funny, it would likely be in the hundreds. I want to be more aware of myself – whether that be my thoughts, feelings, or behaviors – by asking questions like: What am I feeling right now? What am I thinking right now? Am I enjoying this conversation? Am I enjoying being around this person? What does my body need at this moment? By practicing self-awareness and listening to the cues my body gives me, I can take better care of myself and be more authentic.
- Gratitude
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I don’t think any of these steps can be accomplished without gratitude. Taking time to appreciate the things in your life – the people, your accomplishments, yourself – allows you to live in the present and appreciate your life to the fullest, whether you’re in a boysober period or not!
All in all, I’m excited to go on my own boysober journey, and incorporate these steps into my life to become a more authentic version of myself. Although Valentine’s Day may look different for me this year, I can’t wait to see what I learn during this time and continue my personal growth!