Like a child fears the dark, I have always feared failing. My fear of failure has always been so strong that I imagine it to be a giant anchor, with the power to drag me so far down that success would forever be far beyond my reach.
The daunting inevitability of failing looms over me like a silent snake slithering down my back, waiting for its moment to strike. Every time it does, I take the resulting sting of it as reinforcement of every negative perception I have of my own self-worth. I tell myself, “Failing makes me a failure,” “Everyone will judge you for failing at this,” “I will always be less than if I don’t succeed in everything.”
These painful words repeat themselves in the face of failure, like a mantra too deeply ingrained in my memory to ever be forgotten. There’s a word for the immense pressure that comes with impossibly high expectations, such as avoiding failure at all costs. That word is perfectionism.
Perfectionists trick themselves into believing that success is a measure of their worth and dependent on a lack of failure. For a perfectionist, every task is paralyzing unless it can be done in an impossibly brilliant way. They thrive on validation, but crumble at any critique.
This is the reality I, and so many others, live with daily. It feels as if we are constantly running a race in which we can never reach the finish line. Often, this relentless truth causes perfectionists to procrastinate and self-sabotage, creating a vicious cycle that jolts them headfirst into the very thing they fear the most: failure.
The eternal question then becomes, how does a perfectionist ever break this cycle? The answer is simple: Let go. Let go of the fear that encumbers us. That fear of failure that holds a grasp so tight, it seems it’ll never go away.
The truth is that failure is a necessary stepping-stone on the way to achievement; setbacks are the building blocks of success, and skills are not mastered without allowing room for mistakes.
The sooner a perfectionist can view failure as motivation, rather than a hindrance with no return, the sooner the perfectionist can let go of the fear of failing. Failure does not hold a person back; fear does that itself.
Learning to let go of fear isn’t easy. It takes continuous cognitive reframing. Replace the negative mantra with a positive one. Instead of saying, “I am less than because of this failure,” remind yourself that failures do not dictate a person’s self-worth.
How we respond to failure makes all the difference. We can let the anchor drag us down, or we can train ourselves to learn from our mistakes, ask for help, and try again.
However, the ultimate saving grace for a perfectionist comes through forgiveness. Not from others, but for themselves. The reason failure cuts so deep for perfectionists is that they view it as an endpoint, rather than that previously mentioned stepping-stone. Forgiving themselves for their failures allows a second chance. A second chance that suggests failure does not mark an end, but instead a starting point in which we give ourselves permission to build a foundation for success.
Yet, forgiveness is a tricky skill to properly execute. Especially when it’s forgiveness for ourselves, and especially as perfectionists. In my experience, the best way to achieve it is by remembering two essential facts.
The first fact is that we’re human. Humans are not and will never be perfect beings. We do not expect perfection from one another, as we know that is an impossible standard to achieve. The reminder of this helps to set more realistic expectations and to give ourselves grace in the tasks we take on.
The second fact is that while validation can be satisfying, it is not necessary. Success does not solely rely on others’ approval. First and foremost, it relies on trusting ourselves, learning along the way, and adapting as needed. In other words, to succeed, you do not need to hear someone tell you that you can. Mostly, you need to believe you can succeed.
While perfectionism is impossible, combating it is not. It’s an ongoing struggle to let go of the fear of failure, but it can be done. If you’re familiar with this persistent struggle, remember that your worth isn’t measured by flawless results. There’s no such thing. What matters more is the strength, resilience, and courage that failure facilitates, and the conscious choice to keep reaching for success, not despite the bumps along the way, but because of them.