Content warning: detailed descriptions of anxiety and depression
To my fellow college students who also struggle on a daily basis with depression and/or anxiety:
You’re not alone. In fact, you’re never alone.
This has to be the most overheard, overused and basic phrase to hear out of someone’s mouth. But it’s a lot more complex than just “it’s going to be okay”, because what if in the moment, it’s not okay, and it doesn’t feel like it ever will be?
This story is one that I can tell you from experience involving these terrible mind-boggling, battling curses inside of our minds.
Do you ever feel like there are two people inside of you? Kind of like having the angel and devil on your shoulders constantly telling you how to deal with a situation? That feeling is one of the most hated feelings because it’s so difficult to settle an argument happening inside of your own mind. How do you make it subside? You can’t. Not all by yourself.
This is why I say to you, my dear reader, that you really are not alone. There is not one single human being on this Earth with exactly the same problems and circumstances as you, but there are others that struggle in the same way and manner that you do.
When I was a senior in high school, I was diagnosed with OCD and Clinical Depression 2 days after my 18th birthday. It wasn’t the best way to celebrate turning 18 – mostly because I was mentally striving to understand why I was feeling the way that I felt, and thinking the things that I thought. It was a rolling ball that wouldn’t stop for a second to let me think things through or sort anything out. Eventually, the stakes got higher when I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and severe anxiety + panic attacks about 8-9 months later. As you can probably tell, senior year for me and the summer following graduation was a mental train wreck.
While I was in therapy, I had to prepare for college. And just as well, I needed a little bit of extra money before I moved into my dorm my Freshman year. I worked for my mother’s insurance agency for about a month or so as her Administrative Assistant, and everyday when I got up early to go to work and every time when I left and didn’t have something to occupy myself with, all of the negative thoughts and feelings would come rushing right back and hit me like a wall. Sometimes, I wouldn’t even make it home without trying to hold down a panic attack, or the opposite: not being able to hold one down, and having to pull over and let it pass before I drive again. Granted, I was only about 25 minutes from home at work, but it would still hit me really hard as soon as I had nothing to focus on or to keep my brain busy with.
After seeing 2 therapists, 3 psychiatrists and 1 psychologist, here I am present day. I can’t tell you that I didn’t struggle a lot to get here though, and that’s something else I want to share with you. Every storm has a rainbow behind it, but you have to endure the rain to see the rainbow. And that’s exactly what I had to do to get where I am today.
As a college student (especially before I transferred here to UCF and didn’t fit in at my past university – the story about that is here), I struggled to even get up out of bed and find the motivation to go to class. And when I did, I didn’t care about my appearance, nor about who was in my classes with me. When you’re as depressed on a level such as the one I’m describing, you don’t feel the need to even try to impress anyone, even if it is a private campus and you see the same people everywhere. I also didn’t feel motivated to go to cheer practices, and I eventually gained the common freshman 15 (after starving myself the entire summer vacation before my freshman year began and being severely underweight). I was not in any form of “good shape” whatsoever.
I feel as if this is a pretty open-ended question when it’s asked, but whenever a doctor would ask me if I’ve harmed myself recently, my answer was almost always yes. I had suicidal thoughts constantly, and it distracted me from getting any homework done, from wanting to do things, from eating – a must in order to stay healthy, and get all of the vitamins and minerals you need to function – or even drink plenty of water throughout the day. I never kept track of how much fluid I was putting into my body, and I know today that at least 2-3 bottles of water a day, if not more, is a standard healthy amount of water.
Let’s be real here: depression and/or anxiety, however severe, are not things you like to hear being joked about or stereotyped. That if you have (or think you have) anxiety or depression (or both), then you’re sad ALL of the time. Ignoring the glaringly obvious, yes, people such as myself who struggle with either have their bad days and usually more bad than good. But we also have good days where we can get up out of bed and conquer our day, and then go to bed that evening and feel accomplished. Almost as if we’re learning to deal with and combat our troubles all on our own. Except…
Waking up the next day, you feel horrible. You don’t want to leave your bed, have to see or talk to anyone, ignore your text messages, and long for sleep so that you don’t have to listen to the turmoil inside of your head. The painful, agonizing turmoil that is anxiety and depression. Combined, it’s a recipe for a really dark storm. And sleep is essentially one of the only escapes from the pain, so you double up on your sleeping medications just to stay asleep longer.
Or the opposite: you neglect to take your medication because you don’t feel as if you need it, or you are boycotting taking them just because you’re in a bad mood. As a result, you may feel the side effects of withdrawal because you refuse to take your prescribed medications.
This is a true story from my perspective as a college student.
The reasons that I struggle so much to do well in school is mostly due to the fact that I think I’m a terrible student. That I’m not as pretty or as skinny as all of the other girls on campus. That since I’m not in a sorority, I don’t belong at all (pre-UCF). That if I get up and do the bare minimum everyday, I’ll hopefully just get by. I’m so unhappy with myself and feel as if I’ve wronged more times in my life than I’ve done things right. That I haven’t been a good person, made the right choices, or done the right things in every given situation. Constant paranoia keeps me awake at night, and none of my friends can truly understand what I go through, as loving and as close of friends as they are to me. I always say that unless you fall victim to any type of mental illness, you really don’t have a single clue how it feels on the inside. Like I said before, lots of different stereotypes float around and get through the wrong set of ears, and then all of a sudden you have people telling you that your mental pain isn’t real, that you’re just simply making it all up, and that it’s so easy to just be happy. That all you need to do is stop worrying about everything, not get paranoid about every little detail, and to accept yourself for who you are and what you look like.
If you ask me, that’s some real baloney. It’s not fair to be told that “you’ll be just fine” if you truly can’t accept that you will be. And that’s not a voluntary choice – that’s your mind telling you that nothing will ever be okay.
Of course growing up as a teenager in middle/some of high school, I dismissed a lot of this as puberty, and that it was very typical of me to compare myself to others and to always feel bad about myself. But I started to notice throughout high school that instead of my self-esteem rising, it lowered every passing year, and so did my confidence in myself. Eventually, I lacked any self-confidence that I ever had by the time I finished high school. I was adamant that I couldn’t do anything right or even close to being right. A good example was when I was on a collegiate cheer team at the university that I transferred to UCF from. Not hitting a stunt or not being able to tumble across the floor like the guys and girls on the competitive team made me feel like I was incapable of so much, even though I had always been successful in competitive sports in middle and high school. Another example is my school work. As mentioned before, I was very sure that I could not perform well in my classes. That I’ll never be able to execute at my full potential and get the amazing grades that I set my expectations too high for.
After having heard all of this from yours truly, I want to be able to tell you that it does get better. No matter the situation that you’re in, whether you feel suicidal or want to harm yourself – it’s never the right choice, even if you’ve done something wrong. Don’t punish yourself and ruin your beautiful God-made skin – you were made the way that you are for a reason. Not to look like everyone else, not to look like anyone in particular either. To look the way that you look now, and that is how it should stay.
It’s obvious how common it is to compare yourself with others. I still do it myself and get really down about it. But I’ll tell you one other thing from experience: after admitting myself voluntarily to the mental unit of my local hospital and having to abide by their rules, be monitored carefully for 3 nights and 4 full days before being released, it DOES get better. I may have hit rock bottom at that point, but I could think of no other way to make myself heal, at least a little, without wanting to take my own life as an alternative.
You were made the way that you are, the way that you look, act, and speak for a huge reason – so that you’re unlike anyone else. And if it just so happens that you do struggle as I do every day to raise your self-esteem and confidence, you’re always going to have someone who’s going through something very similar to what you’re feeling and experiencing. The pressures of college, being involved, and taking classes in order to earn a degree for a career someday is sensationally scary and can be detrimental to you if you let it drop down to that level. That’s it right there: take control. Just as I did by admitting myself to the hospital, I can proudly say that you are able to control your battles and circumstance. There is always a helping hand reaching out to you, all you have to do is take it. Now, I am seeing a new psychiatrist and therapist. Combined, I believe that finding the right medication and talking about how I feel/evaluating my feelings will eventually put me at a point in my life where I can accept who I am. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s taken me nearly 3 years to get to where I am today, and that’s just from when I was officially diagnosed. Having had the symptoms since 9th grade and not knowing what was wrong with me, I’ve actually been hurting for a lot longer than just 3 years… and my story doesn’t end there because I’m still hurting. But at least I’m on a path of healing and bettering myself. I especially made this a huge goal of mine for the new year, 2018.
Don’t let any type of disappointment, anxiety or depression get the best of you. Be empowering to everyone around you who is in a similar boat as you, and let them know that they’re not alone out there all by themselves. By listening and surrounding yourself with positivity and the right help, you’ll be on track for a long, happy and healthy life.
May the odds be ever in your favor.