I told my boyfriend “I love you” for the first time by accident. I’d sworn to myself up and down that I was going to wait and make him say it first, because hey, that’s romance! Yet in the heat of the moment, it came word vomiting out of my mouth. I made him promise not to say it back because I felt like I was forcing him to say it too soon. Shortly thereafter he said it. He gently held my hand as I said goodbye, about to head back to my dorm.
My initial thought was: “But I’m not the only girl you’ve said that to.”
I tried to push my feelings down and forget about it. This couldn’t bother me, how could it? My analytical mind followed the logic: “I can’t hold things that happened before we even knew each other against him.” Though true, repeating this mantra in my head did nothing to alleviate the sinking anxiety that weighed upon my chest.
Retroactive jealousy
In essence, retroactive jealousy can be defined as feelings of jealousy that cause one to hyper-fixate on aspects of their partner’s previous relationship. As I fell down this rabbit hole of research, I realized that this wasn’t some fluke event and I wasn’t going crazy at all. Professionals in the field have driven home the idea that retroactive jealousy is both a real psychological event AND is completely normal.
Clinical psychologist Patrick Cheatham offered his expert advice to the online magazine, Healthline. Cheatham advised those experiencing this form of jealousy to first accept and validate their feelings. Once you accept your jealousy, you can ask yourself the harder questions: “Do you think their past predicts something about your relationship, or makes you feel like you can’t trust them? Once you get a sense of what jealousy means, you can start to face those fears.”
effect on relationships
Throughout all of high school, I never had a relationship. I felt like I was lagging so far behind my peers romantically. It’s weird when you’re in a room full of girls, your best friends since diapers, and they’re discussing boyfriends and sex positions. I didn’t necessarily want to be left out of these conversations, but of course, I had nothing to add at all because I had no experience to pull from.
Upon meeting my significant other and entering a blissful relationship, my only problem stemmed from myself. I broke down and eventually confessed to him how I was feeling, and the fact that he had done nothing wrong. But it still hurt me to be curious about his past and want details, knowing that they were only going to hurt my feelings in the long run. I was wondering if he used similar “lines” on me, knowing he’s the only one I’ve ever loved, but it’s not the same for him.
you are not alone
Dating in the modern day is hard. Seeing reminders of your ex in your Snapchat memories or on your Instagram feed can feel like a stab to your confidence. But the issue at hand isn’t so cut and dry. Social media can also allow you to find a community filled with support and individuals experiencing the same issue.
I’ve never felt more seen than when I stumbled upon a Reddit thread filled with people explaining similar experiences. Members were people of all sexes and ages, each detailing their experience with the anxiety caused by retroactive jealousy. As I refreshed the page, new responses popped up. A user posted 6 hours ago. 2 hours ago. 1 minute ago.
What made it heartwarming was that under this thread people were showing their support, making those who had the courage to post feel accepted and normal. Many also offered coping mechanisms and advice on how they were able to leave their retroactive jealousy in the past. For me, it was a personal reminder that there is good out there on social media.
next steps
How does one move on from here? I’m going to leave you with a few of the things I have done in the short run that have already helped to improve my anxiety and mental health.
- unfollow your partner’s ex
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All you will do is constantly compare yourself. Staring at bikini pictures every day will be detrimental to your self-esteem and those effects can put a strain on your relationship. Your partner is with you for a reason!
- don’t let things add up
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Address your feelings in the moment. Not speaking up about how you feel can lead to resentment towards both you and your significant other.
- Accept it & grow
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There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. Accepting it without putting yourself down will allow you to have the mature conversations needed to grow from the situation.
There’s no need to be ashamed of being jealous. Not only is it a common phenomenon, but it’s a part of life. Facing yourself and your retroactive jealousy will help you move on and strengthen your relationship with your loved ones.