I have been anxious for my entire life. However, I did not realize this was a ‘disorder’ until I came to college. Before this, my anxiety was just a quirky personality trait.
“Oh, Nikki is about to throw up because she has a test she is definitely over-prepared for but thinks she isn’t? What a dedicated, high-achieving kid!”
“She constantly feels on edge for absolutely no reason? She’ll grow out of it!”
“Sometimes she feels like her heart and stomach are going to actually explode? Probably heartburn!”
When I learned what anxiety was, it was both difficult and easy for me to accept. On one hand, yeah, I am the epitome of anxiousness. On the other hand, how can I be suffering from anxiety if I am still able to live a somewhat normal life and, some might even say, a high-achieving one at that?
High-functioning anxiety, as I would personally define it, is when someone appears to be successful, thriving, and/or has their life together, but is actually suffering from incessant, chronic anxiety. This anxiety is likely what drives them to construct such a flawless outward appearance, but internally they feel far from flawless. High-functioning anxiety may not be a medically-diagnosable disorder, but it definitely exists.
This type of anxiety can often be difficult to spot, as those who have it usually look like the type of people who definitely would not have it. Whenever someone tells me I look like I have my life together, I can’t help but laugh out loud because I know how much of a mess I am inside and how often I feel as if everything is falling apart.
But this makes me wonder: do I even have anxiety if I am able to get up every day, do what I have to do (and then some), and otherwise live a normal day-to-day life? I feel like a fraud, as if my lack of ‘constant’ suffering means I am just faking it. But I have come to realize that my anxiety just manifests itself in a different way.
Rather than bring me down, my anxiety violently propels me forward. My mind is constantly racing; I am always thinking about what I have done, need to do, or will do. I analyze absolutely everything (which is probably the reason why I became an English major), I’m riddled with constant doubt, and I never think anything I do is good enough.
I see myself as a failure if I make the smallest error. This has forced me to discipline myself by studying into all hours of the night and agonizing over every minute mistake I make that keeps me from being ‘successful.’ I don’t even know why I do it; I’m not looking for praise or recognition, I just need to prove to myself that I’m not as worthless as I think I am.
So, yes, while my anxiety does not keep me from completing daily activities, it is destructive in a number of other ways. It is important to remember that you never know what those around you may be experiencing. Don’t jump to compare yourself to others you think are doing better than you, because odds are they’re dealing with their own demons, too.