Since a very young age, I put so much pressure on myself to have all the answers and it took me a while to realize it was self-inflicted. No one was putting that pressure on me to know everything, but it was just so tiring to know nothing. When the pandemic hit, I’m not sure if I lost all responsibility, or I chose to let it go. I think it was a mix of both, but I had never been more relieved. A break allowed me to realize I was in a toxic cycle that was so hard to break free from. Hustle culture, in my opinion, thrives off of our uncertainty and insecurities. It encapsulates us and never allows a way out. I know my imposter syndrome was fueled by this hustle culture, and vice versa. I was afraid that admitting this fear I held so tightly would make me weak. It would show everyone else that I didn’t deserve to take up space in the same way they did. My first years in college were devoted to taking as many units as I could handle, being involved in organizations/jobs, and participating in various internships. I remember feeling stressed and overwhelmed, but every day I told myself it was just that important. It got to the point where my sacrifice was to just “give up sleep” because I wanted to succeed and to be happy. Success and happiness shouldn’t have to sacrifice basic human needs, and I’m sad that we live in a world that wants to convince people otherwise. I think this pressure I put on myself (and so many of us put on ourselves) isn’t only unhealthy, but unproductive. I can’t tell you how many times I was doing something just to feel like I was doing something, even though I knew it might not even matter. When we will realize that being productive doesn’t mean what you’re producing is meaningful? We’re so obsessed with this idea of progressing, whether that be in your career, in your life, or anything else. But what happens if you’re progressing in the wrong direction?
In the same realm of productivity, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you can change your mind. You can change your mind at any point in your life if you think your energy is headed in the wrong direction. For me, I was always afraid that letting go of a dream I once had would mean that I had wasted my time. I now think it’s okay to grow, to change, and to put all your energy and effort into how you feel at the moment.
The hustle culture we’re thrown into makes me feel like I need to decide on a bigger plan before I take a step, but I’m here to tell myself and anyone that needs to hear it that it’s okay to just take a step. Maybe after that step, you’ll know where you want to take your next one. The world that convinces us that we need to know otherwise is the one in the wrong.
