Let’s Talk About Self-Growth Setbacks

Have you ever accomplished a change you really wanted but then immediately regretted it or felt overwhelmed with sadness? For example, have you ever gotten into a new job position then started second-guessing everything about your career? Or have you ever thought: why did I text my ex right when I was feeling happy getting over him? It may not seem like it at the moment but that reaction is super normal and okay to go through. 

It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for the new opportunities you’ve been given or that you made the wrong decision. All it means is your brain isn’t used to it yet. Our brains are hardwired to preserve safety (comfort) and thus, resist change at all costs. When we go through the same patterns over and over again, our brain neurologically makes it easier to do those things to remain content that we have a safe routine (even if what we are actually doing is emotionally hurting us). 

So when we change for the better, our mind and body might freak out assuming the worst— they actually need a sort of “come down” after feeling happy for a while to stay balanced. We might feel anxious, sad, or regretful during the initial aftershock of our brains saying “let’s go back to where we were comfortable!” In that sense, that kick of fear we get of making the wrong choice can actually let us know that we made the right one— because we care so much about the outcome! Fear can ironically equal interest because parts of us know what we want but are scared to fail so we shut off the idea completely. That’s why the discomfort we feel lets us know that the change is working and we are going toward something we want. If we can overcome the initial doubt and desire to go back to being “safe,” then we will successfully achieve that new change and eventually have that become our new comfort.

Haley Hoffman Smith talks about this in her podcast and YouTube, calling it the “discomfort of the uplevel” or “being scared of success,” and I think these feelings are especially relevant during a worldwide pandemic. Our brains are in panic mode, subconsciously or not, and they’re trying to keep us as comfortable as possible when the world around us is filled with unknowns. 

With that in mind, don’t put yourself down for shying away from an opportunity or talking to someone you actually want to cut out of your life; but at the same time, be aware of it. Know that the discomfort you feel is valid but meant to keep pushing you in the direction you want— not to give up and go back. It can be helpful to wait until you’re comfortable in a new situation or have time away from something to make final decisions because then your brain won’t be acting out of fear anymore. 

To some extent, this second-guessing is inevitable since our brains need balance and evidence to prove our thoughts correct; however, you can diminish these setbacks by believing that the perceived “pain” of change is less than the “pain” of staying the same. If your brain sees that staying the same will hurt you in the long run, less than the change will, you’ll feel more willing and determined to go through with the change. So next time you feel a setback, remind yourself that what you’re gaining is worth way more than the loss. 

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