TW: Anxiety, Depression, Intrusive Thoughts
There I was, sitting in the corner of my darkened room, tears rolling down my face feeling like the walls were going to close in and crush me in any minute. The loneliness crept in to suffocate me soon after, and my descent in my own madness arrived. What triggered this? It was something as simple as forgetting to pay my dues for classes. By saying this it makes me seem overdramatic, but here’s the thing with mental health the simplest thing can be the biggest trigger.
In the moment of having to figure out when I can get my classes back and all the things I have to do to say calm, my stress bubbled over and I have never been so scared of my mental health. I knew that my current mental state was most likely rooted in a deeper issue but it felt as though all my problems were suddenly burned in my brain. It makes me feel so selfish that I, a college girl, am complaining about an extremely small problem but it highlighted to me that I need help. We are stuck in this current state of uncertainty and fear, so if I can get professional assistance I can have a proper mindset to give resources to those in need.
The thing that confused me, is that I go to therapy. I try to go every week or when I have a quick hour to discuss what is going on. It felt like I had tried every single tactic to calm down and absolutely nothing seemed to work. My mind kept telling me things along the lines of, “You don’t belong here.” Which made me feel my insides churn and fear crept throughout my entire body. Here and there, my brain would give me intrusive thoughts telling me things but it was never to the extent that I felt. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking — my heart was beating faster every moment and I don’t even remember breathing. This was one of the worst mental breakdowns that I have ever had.
When I finally was able to lay down in bed, the second I closed my eyes they would open afterward. By the time I looked at the clock, it was close to four a.m. so I took melatonin, which luckily lead me to sleep. In the morning, it struck me that I might need to go to a psychiatrist to talk about the one thing I had been avoiding: medication.
As a black woman, it feels as though society is always shaming us for getting help. Whether that means going to therapy or taking something to help your mind get back on track. When it comes to medication, I would always tell myself that I didn’t want to rely on a pill to make me feel better. I blame society for making me believe that. In the world’s mind, black people have to be strong, brave, and collected on a daily basis — not realizing that this takes a toll on us.
Most of our generations of family members tell us that we don’t need mental health services because of the biases that were placed on them as kids. I am calling all of my generation to break this trend of refusing services that in the long run can help us. I know it is so hard to tell your parents that provide you with the world, that you need help. It almost makes you feel ungrateful, but getting mental help is just as important as going to the doctor for a physical. If you are going to learn one thing from my articles is to know that this journey is long but you are not alone.
Being the cliché writer that I am, that statement is as true as I can make it. Even if that means one of my readers reaches out to me on my journey, I will hold your hand along the way of yours. No one deserves to be alone in this extremely hard but rewarding road to come.
By putting my best interest at heart, I know that taking this step will be worth my while. This past summer, I saw a psychiatrist while staying with my current therapist throughout the year. I got a proper diagnosis for what is going on in my brain while being able to speak about my emotions. I’ll admit that I have never been more scared but my end goal is manifesting that fear into strength pushing me through the un-steady waters. I am grateful to those that have listened, shown up, and been there. I owe my life to my family, and my best friends that I have been there. It is time for me to hold your hands while, stepping towards the best future for me.
To, all my readers I will update all of you on this trying process, as proof that you are not alone.