When I left home for my sophomore year of college, I didn’t think I would describe myself as happy. I’d spent the past year and half taking online classes, dealt with my parents’ messy divorce and had my heart broken for the first time. So, no, I wasn’t exactly happy — but I was definitely ready to be, and what better way to do that than with a fresh start?
In some ways, I got exactly what I wanted. I was meeting new people, working at a new place, exploring a new city for the first time and taking classes on subjects I was interested in. I got along well with the people I was living with, and about a month into the semester, I met my girlfriend. I imagined all my previous worries as things I had left behind, folded neatly into the boxes of abandoned clothes stored in my family’s garage. I was free, in love and undoubtedly happy.
The downside of all of this was that I developed an expectation that I had to be that happy all the time. Whenever I felt sad, overwhelmed or just down, it was followed by a nagging sense of guilt- how could I feel unhappy when I had everything I could ever want?
One of the most important things I learned about happiness in my first year of college was how to deal with these feelings and recognize that it’s okay not to be happy — even when you feel like you “should” be. It may sound like common sense, the kind of advice you may have even given to a friend in the past, but it can be difficult to internalize. While practicing gratitude for all the good things in your life is important, it’s equally as important to acknowledge the not-so-pleasant emotions that we all experience. After all, the best way out is through.
In the era of social media and ever-increasing connectivity between people, it can be difficult not to compare your own day-to-day life to the snapshots on your feed. Something else that I’ve learned about happiness is that it looks different on everyone, and emotions are easily distorted through the screen of a phone.
In high school, I found it easier to separate social media from reality. I went to a very small school, so most of the people I followed on Instagram sat right next to me in class. So, while it was tempting to idealize the lives of the beaming girls in bikinis dominating my feed, it isn’t hard to recall reality when you know practically every detail of someone’s daily life, for better or worse.
College, I found, was different. While I kept in touch with my closest friends, everyone else’s lives became a mystery to me, fading into the never-ending scroll of nights out and cute outfits and ever-growing groups of new friends. It was harder to remind myself that these images didn’t capture someone’s whole life.
This may sound like another cliche, that comparison is the thief of joy and all that, but it may be worth taking the time to check in with yourself after your next scrolling session. The times I’ve felt the happiest, I’ve often also been relatively disconnected from social media.
Focusing on your own life and your own joy also allows you to be in the moment. It’s easy to set markers for when you’ll finally feel truly happy or content. “I’ll be happy once I… [insert future achievement here].” I’m not saying you can’t give yourself things to look forward to or cheer yourself up by remembering things can always get better, but it’s also important to think about what would contribute to your happiness in that moment, whether it’s going for a walk, calling a friend, getting some exercise or just taking a moment to relax.
Equally as important, I discovered, are the people that you surround yourself with. I think this is one of those things that I always thought I knew but have only recently been able to truly understand. One of the hardest things to do is to let go of people or relationships that are making you unhappy.
When I left home for my sophomore year, I left behind some of those kinds of relationships. It was messy, painful and confusing. But it opened up spaces in my life for new things. I found people who I truly connected with, who made me feel happy, safe and secured.
This process was difficult at first. For instance, when my girlfriend and I first started dating, I constantly questioned whether I was “good enough” for my relationship. I doubted whether I deserved that kind of happiness. Sometimes happiness can be scary, especially when you’re used to wondering when it will be lost or taken away. That’s where being in the moment comes in.
I know I still have a lot to learn — about happiness, myself and the world as a whole. But for now, I’m perfectly content enjoying this moment and waiting to see where life takes me next.