Edited by Tasmiyah Randeree
I’ve loved my experience at U of T and these past four years have taught me a lot about myself. I’ve made incredible friends and have learned so much about the field I want to go into. But U of T is a really tough school. It’s an environment of competition, and we seem to always be comparing ourselves to the people around us. We discuss our latest essay marks or how the midterm was curved, but we rarely stop to check in with each other and see how we’re holding up. The conversation around mental health is growing louder and stronger, but there is still so much left to say. This past week, a fellow student took their own life, which has sparked a larger conversation surrounding the institution’s responsibility for student mental health. We all have diverse experiences with mental health challenges, and mine is just one perspective. But I’m sharing mine because we need to continue the conversation and try to help each other feel a little less alone in our experiences.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life, only really having the terminology to identify my experience about six years ago. My racing heart and the overactive butterflies residing in my stomach accompanied me through much of my childhood. I was somewhat of a perfectionistic kid, organizing my desk and pencil box every day, even as far back as the second grade. These perfectionistic tendencies stayed with me and are likely what contributed to my academic success all through high school. There was no doubt I was driven, but I was driven by a need to prove to myself that I wasn’t a failure. I always underestimated by abilities, nervously awaiting each and every grade, always thinking that this would be the paper that would reveal my incompetence, finally exposing me as the failure I seemed to think I was. Over time, my confidence in myself grew, but I never shook my need to do my absolute best on everything I did.
I came to U of T thinking I would perform just as well as I always had in high school. Of course, I was in for a harsh reality check. Coming from the U.S., I knew very little about the university. I knew it was the best in Canada, but I really didn’t understand quite how rigorous and competitive it is. This atmosphere has only heightened my anxiety. I work even harder now than I did in high school, always wanting to put forward my best work, and always feeling like I’m coming up short. The standards are much higher than I was used to, and that was definitely a major adjustment. As someone who has always prided myself on my academic achievements, I’ve struggled for the last four years trying to disentangle my self worth from the marks I receive. But when you’re surrounded by people who are just as driven, and when conversations constantly revolve around school, it can be a really difficult thing to achieve.
I know that I am not the only one who feels like this. I know that there are so many of us who are perfectionistic, intensely afraid to not meet our own standards. But our perfectionism leaves us paralyzed. We become so overwhelmed by our fears that we procrastinate things away to avoid facing the reality that we might be less than perfect. Yet, in these moments of procrastination, all we can think about is the assignment we’re avoiding or the midterm we aren’t studying for. Our minds are preoccupied with school, and we’re riddled with guilt when we spend a free moment of our time not studying. In these moments, all I want to do is shut my mind off and press the pause button on the endless loop of thoughts constantly reminding me that I’m not doing what I need to be doing.
Much of the mental health conversation has focused on what we can do to help ourselves and our friends cope better with the stress of attending such a rigorous school. While I know that my anxiety has been with me for a long time, unfortunately, I think much of it can be largely attributed to the external environment that U of T has created. This problem is systemic—the institution prides itself on the grit and toughness of its students, maintaining the prestige of certain programs with requirements that are next to impossible to meet. Ultimately, the culture needs to shift to address the fact that while the rigorous environment may create “tough” graduates, it may also be largely contributing to the mental health problems of many of its students. Unfortunately, this change isn’t going to happen overnight, and in the meantime, it’s important that we try to take care of ourselves.
I still struggle every day with my anxiety, but I’ve been trying to find ways to help myself manage it better. I’m trying to be kinder to myself, and when the vicious and doubtful thoughts start circulating, I try to remind myself that my self-worth isn’t tied to my achievements. I’m also trying to be more open about what I’m experiencing, opening up to friends about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. Mental health has such a negative stigma surrounding it, and it can even be difficult to rely on our friends when we aren’t feeling so great. But the more I talk to people, the more I am realizing that I am far from alone in how I’m feeling.
We are in a competitive, driven environment and that means it becomes even more necessary to check in on each other. I do believe that people need to be held accountable, but I also think there are steps we can take on an individual level to help each other feel more understood and less alone. That might mean checking in on an acquaintance you haven’t spoken to in a while. It might mean taking a break from studying to relax with your friends. There are so many ways we can help each other to feel more connected and less isolated, and to help each other feel like we’re part of a larger community dedicated to looking out for each other.