I’m a few days late to the start of Ramadan and Lent, periods of time focusing on spiritual growth through abstaining. Through the control of wants and needs, you focus more deeply and solely on important things—be it yourself, your habits, or anything else. And even if you aren’t fasting yourself, when there are others trying their hardest to change, there can be a moment of reflection and a desire to grow. At this moment, maybe you need another reminder to keep going, or a push to start. This is it.
Get it twisted, all the advice I give you will be brand new, one-of-a-kind, never heard before advice. Ok, enough sass. Self-help fundamentally is about reminders and rephrasing of ideas we know. Reminders are important. Reminders pull the information you need to change to the forefront, drive you to move, change, and to get gone and going. Rephrasings can help us resonate deeper with the content. Mantras sit deeply within the soul. So, find them and cling to them.
I can’t guarantee that anything I write will resonate with you. There is a plethora of articles (one by Liz last month even) and books such as How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Atomic Habits, 12 Rules for Life, Grit, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and whatever else could possibly exist on how to improve (I should note, I just listed books I know. I cannot guarantee they are good). So, if nothing I write resonates with you or you need a pick me up, go read something else! Treat yourself nicely with the love and respect you deserve, and appreciate how far you’ve come.
Don’t Stack Failures
These three words stuck with me since I heard them years ago. If you fail a second time, it’s not a second time. It’s another time that’s completely unrelated to the first. You have to believe it! The second this failure becomes another in a long list, you’re stacking failures. And how can you get up when you have an ever-growing stack pinning you down to the floor, slowly suffocating you as you try ever so hard to push up?
Every beginning and every ending is unrelated. Even if you never reach your goal, there’s a weird kind of quiet delight in knowing you tried. Every attempted hobby and task done poorly changed you for the better. You will never regret starting. You might regret not continuing, though, and that’s much better. That’s something you can pick up. And it’s easier to pick things up when you realize that stopping isn’t the death of you or the habit or the task or the hobby or whatever it may be. It’s a brand-new slate with not a single failure or blemish in sight; only the great things that you have accomplished so far. So, if you wish to stack something high, stack your successes.
Make Someone Hold You Accountable
This is the hardest thing to ask of someone. It requires vulnerability, and even embarrassment or shame depending on what you need help with. But there’s one thing you don’t realize: people want to help you more than you could ever know. The greatest tragedy in life is that we never feel and understand how much people love and care about us.
When you find your buddy, they aren’t just a way for you to vent. They’re your rock, unperturbed by your flaws. And they want you to hold on to them tightly and securely. So, share with them. Make them a part of your home.
When you tell someone to hold you accountable, it makes you want to do better, even if they never bring it up. They want to see you succeed, so you can resort to them in times of need. And they’ll care for you and share your burden willingly.
Put Up as Many Barriers as You Can
If you want to prevent something from happening, you might as well wage war. Treat bad practices as the death of you, because it is. Your habits become your character, and your character becomes your life, or something like that (I forget the quote). When you wage war, you don’t stop halfway. You only stop halfway when you’re preparing. But you’re not preparing, you’re actively fighting. You’re in the ring, competition, duel, showdown and battlefield.
So, put up every single barrier you can possibly think of. Analyze the situation and treat the problem as a problem. Think of every strategy. It doesn’t matter how small the barrier is. You need something to stop enemy fire. Maybe an example illuminates. Let’s say you want to stop using your phone often. Pull out every single trick to do such a thing.
Delete apps. Install app timers. Every single kind. In-app blocking, daily limits, and calendar-based limits. There are apps that won’t allow you to unlock another app until you take a certain number of steps. Website blockers. Charge your phone out of reach during bedtime. Buy an alarm so you don’t need your phone at night. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb more often. Keep it away when you’re studying. Keep it in a bag or a pocket that’s hard to access. Put on bedtime mode. Make it black and white. Make it minimalist. Remove colorful app icons. Try to replace phone time with something more beneficial, like socializing or reading or doing work or being bored. Just be bored instead of on your phone. Don’t take it to the bathroom. Don’t take it to the dinner table. Don’t take it to the living room if you’re watching a movie. Put it in a physical box that doesn’t unlock for some time. Take less pictures if that’s what it takes for you to divorce it. Don’t use your phone for school and instead use your laptop or computer. Always use an anonymous account when on social media so you have no recommendations that lead you to doom-scroll.
Are these unreasonable? Possibly. But when you declare something as your enemy, don’t treat reason as a reason to help your enemy. And since it’s not a person (hopefully), the Geneva conventions don’t apply. So, no worries there.
Get in Situations You Can’t Leave
Not romantically of course. Situationships suck.
This is the most controversial tip I have, but it illustrates why relying on someone is beneficial. You have no choice but to follow through. Make failing harder than following through. This is the exact reason why universities work so well (ideally). It’s external pressure to meet deadlines and grow. Are there good ways to force deadlines upon yourself? Maybe not, but just try! You want to write more? Join a club. You want to be more academically inclined? Sell it to yourself that you have no way but through. Make goals easier to do than not do.
This tip is the hardest one to implement. There’s not much general advice I can give as it’s individual based. For me, I know I want to learn things, and courses help me do so. When provided with an easy or a hard course, I go with the hard one if it teaches me more. While there may be consequences, it’s growth in the way I need. Try to find the ways you can force yourself to do something. If it’s external pressure you need, go find it. Maybe it’s a study server on Discord, or a physical library.
Don’t Skip Something Two Days in a Row
This is probably the most “regular” piece of advice I learned from filmmaker Matt D’Avella (if I’m remembering correctly). You can skip something once if it’s a daily thing. Whether it be because you need a break (you are always allowed to take breaks) or because you are having a bad day. But you cannot, under any circumstances (if you subscribe to this idea), take a break for two days in a row. That kills any momentum you built. I’ve found this holds true in my life.
Be warned, this can also backfire, because once two days are gone, you may think, “Oh, whoops! I guess I’m done now.” But try not to think like that. And even if you do, you’re not stacking your failures, so who cares.
That’s it. I have nothing else to say about this. Onto the concluding paragraphs!
Try to remember one thing. Find the one that resonates deeply with you and commit it to memory. Then, get out there and get stuff done. Do work. Try hard. Meet your goals. You’re harder on yourself than anyone else is (hopefully). I’m always rooting for you.
I wrote this because I have goals I want to stick to. So, don’t think this is a one-way road. We’re in it together. Just know that you’re not alone, no matter how much it may feel that way. Take solace in the fact that you’re going through a journey many have taken and many will.