I am often surrounded by conversations about mental health, especially on Penn’s campus, as it was recently rated the school with the highest depression rate in America. Unfortunately, these conversations are also filled with toxic judgements and assumptions about mental health and illness. To me, the most concerning assumption many make is that those who suffer from mental illness(es) have the ability to choose not to have them. In my opinion, it is a choice to recover and fight to be healthy, but a person can never voluntarily choose whether to experience a mental health issue or not.
Making assumptions about other people’s mental health problems is problematic because you have no idea what the person has been through or is going through. Unfortunately, no matter how much you try to put yourself in their shoes, you cannot claim to fully understand what they have fought through to be here. Despite how happy someone is on the outside, how good their life seems to be, we are all going through things. We are not alone. However, it means that our shared experiences are unique in their own ways. Being there for people who are struggling is essential, but in ways that validate their feelings and show your empathy without it coming off as sympathy or pity.
Moreover, our society needs to stop using terms such as depression, anxiety, OCD, etc in the context of jokes; doing so makes serious illnesses into something light-hearted and invalidates their detrimental effects. Sadness is not depression. Concern is not anxiety. Wanting your room to be clean is not OCD. Rather, depression, anxiety, OCD, and other mental illnesses consume your day. They impact how you go through life and tend to structure the time of your day. It feels like they control you, not vice versa.
With this said, there are several ways to converse with someone struggling with a mental illness in a way to better understand how they feel without making them feel inferior or judged. Provided the person you want to talk to is ready and open to talking about their mental health, start with questions such as, “as best as you can, can you describe how ___ makes you feel day to day?”. Or, “how does ____ impact your everyday life?”. Questions like these create a safe and open environment, showing that you truly care and want to be able to connect with someone who is struggling. In contrast, do not ask “what caused your_____”. A question like this comes off as pointed, and makes the person feel like they should know why they feel the way they do. The fact is, most times, those who are struggling don’t know why they feel the way they do. Sometimes it is due to trauma; other times it is due to genetics, neglect, personal loss, etc. Most times, it’s a combination of several of these things.
Additionally, if the person does tell you their inner thoughts, remember that this is the most vulnerable part of them. Do not judge them for how they feel. Rather, remind them that it is okay to feel the way they do, that they are valued no matter what, and that what they are struggling with does not define who they are. More importantly, ensure they know that they are strong for fighting; they are not weak. Be supportive, and don’t attempt to “fix” their thoughts. While this tendency usually comes from a good place, it makes the person feel worse for opening up; it makes them feel like you could do better if you were in their position, which is something everyone can agree is not a fun feeling.
Lastly, try not to judge how a person is dealing with their mental health. It’s important to support them in being proactive about their illness(es), rather than allowing them to avoid addressing it/them. However, be their biggest fan in whatever way they choose to begin working on their health, whether it’s therapy, yoga, medication, sports, etc. Remind them that they are trying their best, and that’s what matters.
Recovery from a mental illness is never linear. People will have setbacks. And when they do, the best thing anyone can do is to just be there. Allow them to have their bad days, because, in the end, we all could use a little more empathy, understanding, love and support.
*If you or a loved one are struggling with a life threatening mental health issue, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.*