Since actually being healthy is, like, kinda in right now, I thought I would come up with a neat little list basically justifying all of your bad junk food habits. All in all, I’ll let the facts do the talking, but I do hope that reading this makes you feel as health conscious as those kale chips you pretend to like!
Pizza
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that pizza was unhealthy, I could probably buy Papa John’s. Pizza is the world’s greatest food. And no, that’s not an opinion. It’s a fact. It’s good drunk or sober, hot or cold, and especially, especially with garlic dipping sauce because that shit is fire.
All joking aside, one slice of ‘za usually contains ingredients from all four main foods groups.
For instance, cheese is one of the better sources of calcium but not the only source in pizza, since tomato sauce also contains calcium. This makes pizza a good way to increase your calcium intake for the day. Eating a slice of pepperoni will also help you get the protein that you need for building muscle and maintaining other tissues in your body. Oh, and there’s also the obvious vegetable toppings, to which you could even add pineapple ?. Finally, pizza dough actually contains a decent amount of fiber, which can lower your risk of health problems such as high cholesterol and help fill you up so you don’t overeat ?.
Basically, the only bad thing about pizza is that the 45 minutes it takes for Papa John’s or whoever to heat it up and get it to my apartment feels like a freaking century. Is express shipping an option?
Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Behind every bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos is the story of a humble Mexican janitor named Richard Montanez. As fate would have it, one of the assembly line machines broke at the factory one day, leaving some Cheetos without their iconic bright orange cheese dust. Richard took a bunch home with him and sprinkled chili powder on them. The spicy poofs were such a hit that Montanez decided to present it to company execs and we all lived happily ever after.
On a more serious note, some of you may have noticed that all bags of Cheetos clearly state ‘0 grams trans fat’ and that’s enough for me. However, in the event that you’re still skeptical, the snack does in fact provide some essential vitamins and minerals. Each serving offers 2 percent of the recommended daily value for iron and riboflavin, as well as 4 percent of the recommended daily value for vitamin E, thiamin and niacin.
Studies show that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos may also jack up your metabolism. This is due to the fact that the main compound in chilies, called capsaicin, has a thermogenic effect that may cause the body to burn bonus calories. Similarly, the heat of the pepper increases blood flow throughout your body, which equals a stronger cardiovascular system. Last but not least, spicy foods boost the production of feel-good hormones, such as serotonin. Basically, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are a cheaper alternative to therapy, since they may help ease depression and stress. What a time to be alive.
Poutine
Obviously, everyone loves poutine. This culinary delight is like regular fries on crack. That’s why you can find a poutine place on every corner of every street in the whole country.
Also known as poutine-euphoria, when you nourish your soul with this cultural landmark, a chemical in your body is released called dopamine. This “feel good chemical” is released when your body takes in a lot of calories at once. A poutine, clocking in at about 1000 calories, will definitely qualify for some dopamine-release, making you feel incredibly good.
Chocolate
You know what never goes out of style? Black clothing. But, in the food world, it’s chocolate. Cocoa, as it turns out, happens to be one of the best sources of antioxidants on the planet. This is mostly due to the excellent fatty acid profile and high flavanol content in cocoa. Additionally, as well as being rich in fibre, iron, magnesium, copper, manganese and a few other minerals, chocolate also contains stimulants like caffeine and theobromine. Need I say more? Observational studies have also shown a drastic reduction in heart disease risk for the people who consume the most chocolate. So, it’s like the rules of feminism that you must love chocolate.
All of the things from McDonalds
At some point in your life (or probably last week, whatever), you’ve woken up with a hangover so bad that it made you say, “eff it, I’m going to McDonald’s.” I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a little side chicken.
Anyway, the Golden Arches are actually rated as one of the healthiest fast food chains, making it not a McBad option. Most meal options are high in protein. You could even manage to consume two days’ worth of calories in one sitting instead of the usual 10,000 calories if you opt for something less greasy like the Classic Chicken McGrill. If you’re feeling particularly healthy, the snack wraps are another great, low-calorie choice. Another insider tip, I usually ask to swap out my soft drink for water in any combo, this way I can supersize guilt-free. I mean, that’s a value meal if I’ve ever heard of one.
If you want to take a walk on the wild side, you could also order some apple slices with caramel as a tasty replacement for fries. I’ll be honest though, I’ve never actually had the apple slices so you’ll have to let me know how that goes. In the meantime, @McDonalds give me all of your fries…