I live in a smaller body. Growing up, I did not see the way diet culture infiltrated my life. I was always aware of peers dieting before big events like prom and the gym fanatics, but I didn’t understand how that impacted me until late last year.
For most of my life, I have felt fine in my body. I never thought of changing my eating patterns because I fit what society’s norm was. I was present for the shame sessions where girls compared themselves to others and the body idolizing discussions about strangers. I always felt strongly about not making judgments about people for the way their body looks and would feel uncomfortable in these situations.
During my freshman year of college, I had been walking everywhere I had to go, going to the gym a few days a week, and participating in UMass CHAARG events. To put it straight, I was in the best shape of my life and in love with my body. I never objectified myself to being of worth only from my appearance and I felt good about myself. Clothes were always easy to find and I never worried about what other people thought. I was so active for the fun of it and the relief it gave me.
Going home and not returning to school due to the COVID-19 pandemic was devastating. During this time, working out, which had been an outlet for me in the past, felt like a chore. I told myself I would only workout when it felt like a good thing and not a means to a smaller body. For the most part, it didn’t. I tried to find exercise in nature by riding my bike or walking but even if I walked every day, my body was destined to change.
As we remained locked in our homes throughout the pandemic, I naturally gained weight. At first, I felt bad. I felt that my worth had changed purely because of a difference in numbers on a scale. I felt very out of touch with myself until I began to learn about diet culture from The Babesment. After long car rides full of education, I finally understood the way my body was changing to HELP me. In times of fear and stress, we gain weight from hormones. I finally understood the weight set point theory and the fatphobia that is ingrained in our society. And lastly, the simple fact that diets are an industry worth $72 billion and at the end of the day, companies want your money over your wellbeing.
Something that always stayed with me is how diets were created to control women.
Kimberly Dark, author of Fat, Pretty and Soon to be Old said, “diet culture is a tool of the patriarchy because of how fixated on diminishing ourselves we can become.” If we are so obsessed with what we look like then we will be too busy to put our attention on matters that need it.
If you are going to take anything away from this, let it be that just because someone is smaller does not mean they are healthy or loved or happy, and just because someone is larger does not mean that they are unhealthy, unloved, or unhappy. Love yourself before you try to change your body because you are all you have.