In the depths of my memory boxes, you’ll find waist trainers, ab stimulators, empty bottles of apple cider vinegar, weighted hula-hoops, and cardboard boxes of Soylent.
Upon learning the lies tied to fitness fads, I felt free. Growing up, I was described as “bordering obesity” both by my pediatrician and by the Will Fit game gifted to me in hopes of sparking some exercise. As a child, trying to lose weight became my biggest challenge.
Losing weight was on my mind with each meal. After finishing my homework, I would play on my weighted hula-hoop while listening to Demi Lovato for an hour. Immediately after, I would look in a mirror and stare at my reflection with judgmental eyes. “Am I any thinner?” I would think to myself.
This is my unhealthy obsession that followed me in cycles of completely obsessed to a state of avoidance. It wasn’t until I finally lost weight entering high school that I realized my toxic mindset. Despite recognizing it, I would fall back into my bad habits and feel ashamed that I let myself down again and again.
Trending fitness fads evolved into crazed calorie counting. Counting calories became masked with the idea of health buzzwords like trying to be in a calorie deficit, defining muscles, & toning. Being so hyper-focused on calories and exercise, I was here again. I would track every calorie and knew it was getting bad. I would go to the gym in between classes just to burn off a few more calories that I knew I would eat because I was starving. I knew I was going to be disappointed at the end of the day if I ate more than I was “supposed to”. At this point, I thought eating only 1,200 calories was enough for me and that this was the only way I could ever lose weight. I ate to be thin and not to be healthy.
It wasn’t until I realized I was eating the same meal every day and was living off of pre-workout for energy that I wanted to stop. I was not happy with myself, and I was disappointed that I, again, let myself go down this unhealthy path.
I deleted my calorie tracking app and chose to let myself be “free” for the next few months. I stopped counting calories and ate what I wanted. I worked out a few times a week and opted for lighter workouts depending on my energy levels. I didn’t want to feel confined anymore. I wanted to have a healthier relationship with food and exercise. A relationship where I truly did eat to nourish myself and workout to feel good and proud of myself.
Today, I’m in the midst of rebuilding my relationship with health. I work out almost every day, but challenge my body through weight lifting and am eating to build strength and muscle. I no longer convince myself that I’m happy with myself, and instead, just am.
