Your college freshman year roommate could either end up being the horror story that you tell your children or the absolute best thing to ever happen to you. Thankfully, by some miracle, I was graced with the latter. I am a junior in my second semester now and have lived with the same roommate for nearly three years. We laugh together, cry together, and it just makes sense. She has been a cornerstone in my life for the duration of my college experience, which is why her going abroad this semester was certainly a change to get used to. So, as a love letter to my roommate in Spain right now, and as a way to cope, I am sharing all my tips and tricks for managing the absence of your freshman year roommate when they go abroad.
When your roommate goes abroad, there is a vacancy in your room (obviously). Normally, this vacancy is fulfilled by another roommate, either transferring to your school, swapping out of another room, or for whatever reason may exist. I have had a bit of a unique experience since my roommate left in December: no new roommate was put into my room. While I am not at all complaining about this, and would honestly rather have no roommate as opposed to learning to live with someone new or risking a potential horror story, the empty bed alongside me since January has made the void my roommate left behind especially tangible.
It is odd to go from living with the same person and doing every day of classes, homework, studying, gym dates, and nightly dining hall dinners to being across an ocean from one another. It’s weird to go from seeing the same core decorations and whiteboard-marker-ridden calendar next to you for three years to seeing no posters or images on the wall, no stuffed animals on the bed, and no roommate in the desk chair across from you. I am absolutely elated to watch such a close friend of mine thrive in an unfamiliar, exciting place and experience the world beyond Storrs. This isn’t even a sad article, or one that is urging my roommate to miss those of us here. We can miss one another and remain ecstatically happy about the lives we face on our own now and will face together soon. In fact, this article is a celebration of new experiences, learning to acclimate to them, and continuing to appreciate the people we love whether they are hours away or sleeping in the bed two steps away from us. This is a tool for others to utilize when they miss their roommates or friends that go abroad, or even if you simply miss a core person in your life who you can’t physically get to right now.
so, how am i acclimating?
I’ll admit. It hasn’t always been easy, but nothing ever is. I am not the biggest fan of change, nor do I respond the best, but as a self-proclaimed stubborn girl, I’m always down to tackle a challenge. I find that doing so requires a lot of planning and intentional action. I especially prioritize focusing on what I know will help me and being open to discovering new modes of assistance. It’s really all about trial and error. So, if you are missing someone, whether that be your parents, a roommate, sibling, friend, or whatever, maybe try some of these little life hacks.
maintaining our previously shared routines
When you live closely with the same person for as long as we have, you develop very steadfast routines with one another. We have our usual wake-up times, sleep times, gym times, and dinner times that we’ve adjusted to in our little college world for the past three years. Our usual times generally remain the same each day, and when she left, it was weird to continue abiding by them on my own. It felt wrong. However, I have since learned that staying true to some of our shared schedules has reinstated a sense of normalcy in my life when it feels rather abnormal. It’s obvious that any daily routine helps keep your mind regulated, ensures a certain expectation of what each day will hold, and that staying busy provides a substantial distraction from anything that might bother you. Sticking to our routines has kept me especially consistent and calm, but it has also comforted me to continue our daily habits even without her explicit presence.
One of our daily practices included nightly “cocooning” time. I know, it sounds absurd. She introduced me to this habit, and her consistency always stuck out to my other roommates and me. Though our astonishment usually took the form of teasing, it became an expectation that every night, at around 10:30 p.m. or so, my roommate would crawl into bed and commence her cocoon. Essentially, if you’re lost now, our “cocooning” is collective silence and relaxation time. We both finish homework at around 10:00 p.m., crawl into bed shortly after, turn on our soft, moody lighting, and begin winding down for the night. She would always get tucked into her own bed and lie there with her eyes closed. Mind you, the lights are on, her AirPods are playing music with the most noise cancellation possible, and the only sign of her is a head sticking out from under the covers. It is an image strikingly akin to that of a bedridden Victorian child, but that presence has been something I have missed on a daily basis this semester.
So, I try and maintain that. I can’t say I delve into the cocooning as deeply as she does, and I am often on Reels or TikTok as opposed to her behaviors (we can discuss my problematic blue-light usage on a later date). However, I try to embrace the same vibe we would have every night, and it certainly helps me to remember her and relax in a way I am accustomed to. Little tricks like this can genuinely help to fool your brain into a sense of normalcy. It helps to do things that were a part of a concrete, steady routine in a time where that routine feels like it’s out the window. Also, if like in my case you are used to doing it with someone, doing that action without the person can bring you a semblance of the comfort it did when you conducted the action alongside that individual.
reaching out when i think of her
Thankfully, being in the digital age we are, distance doesn’t always feel so far. We can connect through social media, texts, and phone calls within seconds. I’m not the most reliable texter and can sometimes be the friend that will get back to you in five to seven business days, but I try to utilize all modes of connection available when I can. Sometimes it’s a sentimental video that reminds me of her, a random picture referencing an old inside joke, or a text updating her on the happenings here on campus. It could be the dumbest Reel imaginable or the smallest little detail that I’d forget to tell her if I didn’t share it in the exact moment it occurred. Speaking of silly things, the other day I was putting a new screen protector on my phone. Normally, since she has been dubbed our suite’s honorary screen protector spokesperson, she does that for me. I was honestly putting the task off for a while because of my sentimental attachment to it being her thing (and because I knew that I would royally screw it up). However, the time finally came, and she got a pitiful image in her messages of me trying my absolute hardest to place this screen protector. There were some additional sappy, cheesy words exchanged between us as well.
Doing little things like this is certainly helpful. If we were together, those words or memories exchanged between us would simply happen. Now, we can maintain that, and it just requires a bit more intentional effort than before, and that’s totally okay! It honestly demonstrates that we care enough about each other to maintain those connections, even if it seems like it’s an insignificant or small thing when we do it. It’s good to share any big or small moments with each other when we are so far and can get so wrapped up in our own worlds, because it helps keep her connected to my life and draws mine closer to hers.
forcing myself to get out
For three years, our shared traditional double has been a little oasis from the stresses of college. We both prioritize comfy beds, cute decorations, soft lighting, and an overall vibe completely opposite from any building on campus. We’ve perfected our escape from the outside world, and it has always been a comfort to return to the room after a long, tiring day. Now that I return home to an empty room, it is a bit strange. There’s no “hey, how was your day?” conversation, her twinkle lights are no longer on the wall across from me glitching on and off, no sounds of aggressive typing on a keyboard, and no Bad Bunny playing while the shower runs. As a girl who adores her alone time, sometimes, it is nice to come home and be in complete silence. Most of the time, though, it makes my room feel strangely uncanny and certainly less comforting. I often get wrapped up in the alone time of it all and start staying silent in my room far longer than I should. That can put a damper on my mood at times, and then I get nostalgic, which is probably one of the biggest enemies to girls in college.
As a remedy to this issue, I have tried to get out of my room more this semester. Part of this is coincidental as this happens to be one of my busiest semesters with work, studying, classes, and clubs — and that has certainly helped. The other part, though, involves my need to force myself to be around people. I am not at all an antisocial person, but sometimes I will start doing homework in my room, and suddenly four hours have gone by, and I haven’t spoken a word to a single soul the entire time. This is especially odd when you realize I have two more roommates about three steps away. So, I have been urging myself to get out more. This could entail studying in the library, the lounge on my floor, or simply leaving my bedroom door open. My days are long and full of social interaction, so much so that when I come home, I want to be in silence. There is nothing wrong with that, but sometimes we need 10 minutes of silly chatter with those that we care about to decompress and ground ourselves from the days that lie behind and ahead of us.
At the end of the day, missing someone is never really about the distance. It’s about the impact they’ve had on your everyday life. When someone becomes so deeply woven into your routines, your space, and your sense of comfort, their absence is bound to be felt in even the smallest moments. But that absence doesn’t have to be a negative thing. It can be a reminder of how meaningful that connection is, and how lucky you are to have it in the first place. This semester has taught me that relationships don’t weaken with distance. They evolve! The routines might look different, the room might feel quieter, and the day-to-day moments might not be shared in real time anymore, but the foundation stays the same. If anything, the effort it takes to stay connected only reinforces how important that person is to you.
So whether your roommate is across the ocean or just far enough away that you can’t see them every day, let yourself miss them, but don’t let that feeling hold you back. Keep your routines, send the random texts, get out of your room, and build a life that you’re excited to tell them about. Because one day, they’ll be back in that bed two steps away, and you’ll have a whole new set of stories to share.