Loneliness is a feeling many of us know all too well, yet it remains one of the hardest emotions to put into words. In a world where connection is at our fingertips, why do so many still feel isolated? This was the heart of the “Fighting Loneliness in Our Digital World” panel at SXSW, where mental health educator and licensed social worker Minaa B. joined pop star Kesha, poet and comedian Alok Vaid-Menon, and Ana Kirova CEO of Feeld, in an open dialogue about the impact of loneliness and the ways we can reclaim our sense of belonging.
Following the panel, I had the privilege of sitting down with Minaa B. to continue the conversation; one that felt less like an interview and more like a shared moment of deep reflection. As the founder of I’m So Mature, a media company bridging pop culture, music, and personal healing, and the author of “Owning Our Struggles,” Minaa has dedicated her career to helping others navigate the complexities of mental health.
During our talk, we explored what it truly means to sit with loneliness. Not as something to be ashamed of, but as an emotion that deserves acknowledgment and care. Minaa spoke about the power of honest conversations, the importance of setting boundaries while still allowing vulnerability, and the role of meaningful connection in a world that often prioritizes digital validation over genuine relationships. Her insights served as both a reality check and a source of comfort, reminding us that healing isn’t about erasing loneliness, but learning how to navigate it with intention, self-compassion, and community.
For those who feel trapped in the depths of isolation, Minaa’s words serve as a light in the dark, a reminder that even in our loneliest moments, we are never truly alone. Let’s dive into this interview:
Q: There’s often a stigma around admitting feelings of loneliness. How can we break that stigma and encourage more open conversations about it?
Minaa B: “Often breaking stigma requires vulnerability, so it requires sometimes being bold enough to speak up and express what you’re experiencing instead of waiting for someone else to take the lead and do it. I think often we are waiting for permission, or an invitation to share the things that we’re struggling with, but I think instead of waiting for other people to give you an invitation, you can give it to yourself, because that’s an act of self-compassion, and knowing that you don’t have to suppress the struggles that you’re having, you can be open about them. And so I do find that historically almost all of the social issues we’ve ever experienced in our society, someone was bold enough to say, ‘this has to change.’ And they were open about it. They talked about it, and they gave themselves permission to do so. So I just always say that be willing to give yourself the permission that you need to speak up about things that are burdening you and things that are causing you pain or grief, and that will lead the charge for other people to feel comfortable to show up with you as well.”
Q. What advice do you have for people who struggle to build offline connections, especially in a world that increasingly prioritizes digital interaction?
Minaa B: “I think finding real life connections can be easy when we are trying to meet people who have similar interests as we do, and being in social spaces that encourage activity versus you not necessarily having a particular goal. So, for example, if you are trying to build in-person connections, I would say instead of going to a bar and having a drink and hoping that you meet someone, what if there is a book club that you can join so that you can connect with other people over similar interests? You already know that those people there probably have the same interests in books the way you do because it’s a book club, right? And so, you know, I think that’s a great way to make it easier, especially for people who struggle with social anxiety. You don’t have to have this fear of, are people going to judge me in this space? Is it going to feel awkward? Is it going to be awkward trying to connect with other people? Maybe because there is no common ground? I’m just wandering. I’m trying to figure out who to connect with if I’m just in an environment that’s not tailored to a particular niche. But if you go to a book club, if you go to a knitting club, if you take a pottery class – if it’s something more specific, it can allow for more openness and vulnerability because already there’s a shared bond. You all are there for a particular reason. There’s an interest, and so you already know something about that person. You clearly like books, you clearly like poetry, you clearly like pottery, right? You already know this particular thing, and it can now allow you to nourish that relationship by talking more about that particular thing to get to know people on a deeper level.”
Q. If you had to create a “recipe” for meaningful connection, what are the three key ingredients?
Minaa B: “Respect is very important. When we feel respected, it can help us feel more safe in that relationship. So I think respect is very important in any relationship that we’re building. So that would be the key ingredient that I look for. Another key ingredient actually that is very helpful in creating connections is vulnerability. That allows us to know that we’re not building surface-level connections. We’re also building connections with people that we can have intimate bonds with, and they are people that we can maybe share our secrets with or share the things that we’re struggling with. And people that we have in our circle if we ever need support, we know we can go to that person. So respect is a key ingredient, but I also think vulnerability is another ingredient. The next thing that I think is very important when it comes to developing bonds that are deeper and more intimate is repeated encounters. So ensure that this is not just a one-off situation, be bold enough to engage in repeated encounters with that person so that you’re nourishing that bond over time, because realistically, I may not tell people my business during the first brunch date. But maybe by the fifth or the sixth, you might know a little more about me. Connection takes time. So those are the three things that I would really encourage people to think about. Is there respect in this relationship? Is there revolt? Is there vulnerability if I’m looking to nurture really deep, rich relationships, but also if I’m looking for friendships and relationships that are, you know, for the sake of longevity, friendships that can be a part of my life? Are there repeated encounters? – because that’s going to be necessary.”
Q: What advice would you give to someone who has a habit of trauma dumping when they first meet someone immediately as a form of trying to build a connection?
Minaa B: “I would say tap into something called ‘your joy bucket.’ I think it’s easy for people to trauma bond. I mean, trauma dump because trauma bonding is not connected to the trauma. But some people might trauma dump, one, because they are seeking a sense of urgency when it comes to relief from the pain that they’re experiencing, but it’s really important to understand that if you’re meeting someone for the first time, they may not be the person who can give you that sense of relief from the pain that you’re experiencing. I also think sometimes people trauma dump because they may feel like it’s a point of relatability or vulnerability. And so if I share my deepest problems with this person and not like me more, they might want to know me more – but that may not necessarily be the best way to form a new connection.
So, I always tell people to think of a joy bucket, and what filled that bucket for the day, and start there. Start by letting people know what is the best thing that happened to you this week? What are some things that happened to you that brought you joy? What are some joyful moments that you’re looking forward to this week, because this also helps people to get to know the things that make you happy, the things that you’re looking forward to, and it helps to get to know you on a more personable level, especially outside of the common question, what do you do for a living? But what actually brings you joy? And you might talk about your dog. Now I know you’re a pet owner, and maybe we have a shared bonder. You might talk about going on a vacation. You might talk about spending time with your family. You might talk about your children. There are so many different things that you might talk about that will allow for it as time to go on and you’re building a safer connection with that person, you may feel more open to being vulnerable and sharing deeper parts of yourself that might come from the trauma dumping. So instead of leading with the trauma dumping, I would say lead with that bucket of joy. What filled that bucket this week, or what are you looking forward to that might end up filling that bucket?”
Q. People often feel pressure to “perform” happiness online. How can we create digital spaces where vulnerability is welcomed rather than judged?
Minaa B: “So I have to answer this question two-fold. The first one is any time we’re trying to create a space, it requires courage. It requires courage to just simply show up. There honestly isn’t a particularly convenient solution regarding showing up. It really is ‘doing.’ It’s the implementation of the work. And so it’s saying, ‘I want to be more open about, maybe, my struggles with job loss. I want to be more open about my struggles with having children. I want to be more open about my struggles regarding making friends or dating,’ and recognizing that there are probably other people who have those struggles too, so can you be vulnerable enough to be the first to talk about it or just even talk about your own particular experience. Sometimes we need mentorship around that, and so are there other people who are doing it that can help you feel more comfortable and safe and courageous to say, now I want to take the next step to do it? I truly believe what we expose ourselves to can play an influence in our life, and if you are exposed to people who are very influential in a healthy way where they are guiding you with certain principles that allow you to show up and be seen, then that can also help you engage in that behavior because that’s a form of mirroring. So when I see someone being bold, I can actually figure out how to be bold myself, right?
Kind of like this form of modeling – when a child follows a parent or they follow the things that older adults do. That’s a form of modeling, right? They then mirror that behavior. So, I encourage adults to also think about who is influential in their life, and then you can model that behavior by just simply showing up and being authentic in who you are. But there’s another side to this. We can’t control people. And so I don’t think we should be moving through the world thinking that we are never going to be judged, and that we can control the judgments or the criticisms of other people. I think it’s important to recognize that, despite knowing that there are going to be people who judge me, or criticize me, I’m living in my truth. I’m living in the truth of the things that make me happy, that bring me joy, and that make me feel seen, witnessed, and heard, and that is all that matters. Everyone is not for you, and so it’s important to recognize there are going to be people who may have negative things to say about you. They’re not a part of your community. They’re not a part of your fan base. Those are just people who have made a choice to probably be mean and judgmental, and we have to focus on what is in our control. What’s in my focus of control is knowing my truth, who I am and who I’m doing this for. So if you have negative things to say about me, and I’m posting this on social media, you’re going to get blocked. Yeah… You’re getting blocked, right? Because this is not for you. And since you don’t know how to remove yourself from this because you think this is an invitation to be mean or cruel or judgmental, I’m going to exercise my boundaries by blocking people, muting people and ignoring people to protect my peace. So I do think it’s important for us to realize that we have to focus on our locus of control, because there are always going to be people out there who have negative things to say, and we can’t live life dependent on their opinions of us.”
Q: With March being Women’s History Month at the time of this interview, do you have any advice to women out there who might be feeling a bit of loneliness this month?
Minaa B: “I would say if you are a woman who is feeling lonely, first identify the type of loneliness you’re experiencing. Because sometimes we use that as a blanket term when what might be happening is that you are going through a season of grief, and maybe you’re going through grief because there are changes in your friendships, and it’s leaving you feeling excluded. It’s leaving you feeling like you don’t know how to transition because your best friend just had a baby. Your other friend just got married. Another friend just moved somewhere else. Another friend got a new job and it’s demanding more hours, and so therefore you’re not talking to them as often. That requires you to grieve and mourn the changes in your relationship. So I think there needs to be an invitation to grieve and mourn change in general. That can lead us to feeling lonely. Another thing is that there are different types of loneliness, so we can have emotional loneliness where we are experiencing a lack of emotional depth in our relationships, but we also can have social loneliness, where we are experiencing a lack of socialization. Familiar loneliness is another one, where we don’t feel tied to our family of origin. And so that means we may have to create children’s families. But then, when we’re experiencing all of those things, it could be a form of existential loneliness, where it feels like I don’t belong anywhere. And so I just encourage people to find their people. And when you’re trying to find your people, don’t focus on, I’m here to find a friendship, or I’m here to find a partner. Focus on finding a connection, because friendships and partnership comes from connection first. So identify the type of wrongness you’re experiencing, also give(ing) yourself permission to grieve that change can lead to loneliness, but then also figure out how you can be proactive in the pursuit of building connections.”
As our conversation wrapped up, one thing stood out: loneliness isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s not a personal flaw; it’s a sign that we’re being called to pay more attention to ourselves and the spaces where we feel truly seen. Healing doesn’t come from hiding away; it comes from those little moments of connection we make with ourselves and others. In a world that pushes us to always seem happy, Minaa’s words were a breath of fresh air. She reminded me that we don’t need to “perform” happiness to feel like we belong. Real connection isn’t about having it all together. It’s about showing up as we are, making space for our ups and downs.
For anyone who’s feeling alone, Minaa gave me hope, not in the sense of a quick fix, but in the reminder that loneliness is something we all share. It’s not something to fix, but something we can soften with patience, openness, and community. The biggest takeaway for me was simple: we don’t have to go through loneliness alone. There are people, moments, and spaces waiting to remind us that we’re not only seen, but valued.