What does self-care look like to you? For many people, self-care became synonymous with anything that helps us feel better during difficult periods in our lives. Self-care nowadays seems to mean anything from having a cup of tea to buying a new pair of shoes after a hard day of work.
When we talk about self-care, we often describe short-term ways to cope with life’s stressors, for example, taking a walk during the workday, giving yourself a 20-minute break from screen time or doing your skincare routine. While these can absolutely add benefits to your life, these acts of self-care don’t necessarily tackle the greater issues directly. Self-care shouldn’t be something you need to resort to to cope with the exorbitant amount of stress placed upon us in everyday life.
I understand the temptation to cling to what adds joy to our lives while ignoring the ugly aspects that make us crave these forms of self-care in the first place. I propose we change our understanding of self-care by thinking of it as radical acts of compassion for ourselves that result in long-term wellness.
I’ll give you a real-life example of what I mean by radical, compassionate self-care. I have had periods in my life where my mental health issues have made it impossible for me to do simple, everyday household chores like laundry or washing dishes. At my lowest, I hadn’t done a single load of laundry in over four months. I was recycling dirty clothes, which added to my social anxiety around leaving my dorm room and prevented me from going to my classes, subsequently causing my grades to tank. To many, doing laundry may have seemed like a simple task, but to me, it felt insurmountable.
On a random March day, I decided that I needed to take action somehow in order to start feeling better. I needed to fight the unhealthy impulses I had to stay in my room amidst piles of dirty clothes and just do one single load of laundry. It was so hard for me — I struggled to pull myself out of bed and into the dorm basement where the washing machines were located. It took me three tries to leave my room because I was so anxious. Once I managed to do it, not only did I feel good because I finally had access to clean clothes, but I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. You’ll be happy to know that I did laundry every week for the rest of the school year after making that push. I also started attending my classes and my grades began to improve!
This type of self-care is not glamorous. It’s not commodifiable, but it was necessary for me in order to maintain a healthier and happier life. I’ve had friends who have implemented this type of self-care by ending toxic friendships, quitting drinking or even committing to a sleeping schedule. All of these choices made their lives significantly less stressful and thus healthier in the long run.
For you, radical, compassionate self-care may be going to that doctor’s appointment you’ve been putting off for months. It may be finally stepping foot into the gym after years of feeling like it was too intimidating or uninviting. It may be as large as leaving an unhealthy relationship or as small as cooking yourself healthy meals every few nights.
There are certain situations where this kind of self-care seems impossible; I’m not saying you should quit your terrible job that allows you to support yourself right away. However, it may be time to start job hunting in your free time to find a new one that doesn’t feel like it’s sucking the soul out of you. Like I said, this type of self-care is not glamorous, and sometimes it can be challenging work in and of itself.
Recognizing when you need to implement this kind of self-care is half of the battle. I couldn’t recognize that my issues with doing laundry stemmed from my social anxiety until a friend suggested that it might have been a manifestation of my fear of seeing other people in the laundry room.
Self-care is defined by the World Health Organization as “the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.” When we keep this definition in mind, self-care becomes something that we deliberately choose to focus on as a long-term commitment to maintain our health and wellbeing. It is the choice to take care of ourselves and our intrinsic needs over our immediate desires or unhealthy coping mechanisms.
When we decide to care for ourselves on a level that cuts below the surface of short-term coping mechanisms, we are actively choosing to root for our mental and physical success. Radical self-care is actively choosing to love ourselves through healthy actions that empower us in the long run. It may not be what you want to do, but it’s what you have to do to make yourself feel better. It can be incredibly difficult, but believe me when I tell you that it’s worth it to choose your own well-being every time.