Whether “Aunt Flo” just popped into town, your guest bedroom is being occupied by your monthly visitor or you’re surfing the crimson wave, women have to deal with that time of the month when something arrives to wreck their lives for five to seven days’ time. And considering that the only girl to ever pull off the bloody look was Carrie on prom night, the quest to quell the flow can span a girl’s lifetime.
It’s 2013 and we still only have two options: Pads and tampons — that’s it. There are some girls who are trepidatious to try tampons. Usually when a girl is thrusted into womanhood, she is handed a pad and is congratulated. Yes, congratulations on being subjected to debilitating pain once a month, alienating your boyfriend because he just can’t understand and having good ol’ water weight.
But why are we only offered pads at the outset? One simple reason: Tampons will kill you. Well, maybe.
It’s a topic that many are afraid to even speak to their best friends about, especially if they are lifelong tampon users. You’re like the kid who is afraid to get rid of your training wheels. Can they really kill you? What do you do if the string breaks while you’re trying to remove it? Is that a death sentence? And what are the best kinds out there to ensure optimum protection from anyone detecting it’s “that time of the month?” Well, besides the hormones and all. Let’s explore, shall we?
Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS): The Silent Killer
Any girl who has ever opened a box of tampons is a certified expert in Toxic Shock Syndrome. Isn’t that a waste of paper? How many times have you read that in your life? Once, maybe twice? I’ll admit — sometimes I grab the paper and read it when I have forgotten my smartphone on my trip to the bathroom (I really like to play Nun Attack, what can I say?). There would be so many trees that could be saved if they just printed that stuff on the side of the box. So come on, tampon execs! Let’s be a little bit more eco-friendly.
Okay here’s where I need to get serious for a minute (but that won’t last for long I promise).
WebMD defines Toxic Shock Syndrome as “a sudden, potentially fatal condition. It’s caused by the release of poisonous substances from an overgrowth of bacteria called Staphylococcus aureus, or staph, which is found in many women’s bodies. Toxic shock syndrome affects menstruating women, especially those who use super-absorbent tampons. The body responds with a sharp drop in blood pressure that deprives organs of oxygen and can lead to death.”
They go on to add that it is common on super-absorbent tampons, and menstrual sponges (good luck finding one of those without a time machine). Basically what this all means is: If you leave your tampon in for like 24 hours this bacteria will grow in it and release it into your bodies and you will die. However, fear not ladies — because as of 1987 only two in 100,000 women died from TSS. You would think that WebMD would have a more recent study to cite.
So there you have it. Tampons can and will kill you, it’s just extremely unlikely.
By the way — don’t ever use WebMD to diagnose yourself unless you want “Cancer” to show up immediately, even if you only tell it you have a sprained ankle.
A broken tampon string: The guest that will not leave.
Sometimes with certain tampon brands, if you are at the end of your cycle and haven’t used the tampon’s maximum absorbency it will make it difficult to pull it out, occasionally causing the string to break. This one is pretty simple. If a tampon gets stuck up there, (hey, it happens) all you have to do is squat into a baseball catcher’s position and push it out. Eventually it will cooperate.
If you’re not lucky like Carrie Bradshaw and have a great friend like Samantha Jones to fish her hand up there and snake it out (I know it was Carrie’s diaphragm, but it applies), when all else fails just use a pair of tweezers.
Does swimming throw off your monthly cycle?
No, absolutely not. Those that believe this haven’t moved past the sixth grade version of the “Welcome to Womanhood” lecture. I have swam every summer on my period and I have never been anything but a perfect 26-28 day cycle.
Will drinking beer help your period come early?
Although there is no scientific proof to support this, I drink a lot of beer and more often than not my period comes a couple days early. So if you’re planning on wearing those oh-so stylish white jeans (hopefully not before Memorial Day or after Labor Day), lay off the sauce.
Well now that the fun facts are out of the way let’s break down the big three brands: Playtex Gentle Glide 360, Tampax Pearl, and U by Kotex.
Playtex Gentle Glide 360:
Behold! Playtex Gentle Glide with its fan technology! It’s supposed to fan out inside of you and resemble a pretty skirt. Then we pan out to a bunch of girls all dressed up prancing in a field. Yeah, that’s just what I want to do on my period: Dance around in nature. Personally, I like to spend my period days with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, sweatpants and some trashy reality TV. I guess I’m not in their demographic. I’ve never tried these, but they fail automatically for clearly putting men in charge of their advertising campaigns.
Tampax Pearl with Leak-Proof Braid:
Because pearls and braids are pretty! Nothing says femininity quite like a classic set of pearls, shimmering in their lustrous brilliance. It’s like jewelry for your vagina!
I used these for years and they are pretty decent in protecting leaks, I will say. I’ve never noticed the need for the braid, so I fear this is a marketing ploy to make you think you’re getting extra protection.
Here is my main problem with Tampax Pearl: They are single-handedly the most uncomfortable tampon I have ever used. They are bulky, and if you use one close to the end of your period expect a fierce battle of tug of war yanking it out. After feeling like it was clutching on to the inside of me when I tried to cast it out for the thousandth time, I needed to make a switch.
They work, just not worth the discomfort. Especially when we’re all uncomfortable enough at that point in time.
U by Kotex:
The answer to all of my tampon prayers! My quest for the perfect tampon ended the moment I unwrapped the first pink paisley wrapper. I’ve been using these since they hit shelves thanks to a mail sample and free 18-count box coupon. I only cheat on Kotex when I am desperate and forced to go to Wawa and get the aforementioned Tampax Pearls that I left in the dust long ago.
Here’s why U by Kotex will be the best the tampon you will ever use:
- First of all, they are smaller (although it’s not the size that counts, it what you do with it!) so you don’t feel like you are launching a torpedo up there.
- Next, because of their size (or lack thereof) you can barely feel it up there (don’t forget about it though, otherwise TSS will get you!).
- And lastly, the strings on the U by Kotex are anchored to the sides of the tampon, so when you pull it out you’re pulling from the sides and not the center. Remember how I just said it was uncomfortable to remove a Tampax Pearl? Due to the placement of the strings you never have to worry about a fight to remove it.
They are also compact, so the wrappers are discreet and can fit in the smallest wristlet, your waitress apron or even in your jean pocket. And since they aren’t a normal tampon size, if one falls out of your purse in front a guy he probably won’t realize what it is before you can scoop it back up from on top of the bar.
So there you go. Hopefully some questions were answered, some myths debunked and some guidance was given on your quest for the perfect tampon. We can’t stop our periods, but we can try to make them a little more bearable. Stay dry, ladies, unless you feel like you can pull off that Carrie on prom night look, then go for it! Hey, it’s avant-garde.