I’m not shy when it comes to my anxiety. I’m well aware that I have it and I’m pretty sure that anyone who knows me or has even spent just an hour with me knows it as well. It is not something I want people to always link me back to. I am more than my anxiety (this may be more of a reminder for me than it is for you).
Occasionally my anxiety gets the best of me and puts me at my worst. Not in a dramatic way though, I understand that over the years because of social media and the entertainment industry itself, many mental illnesses including anxiety have been glorified and romanticized, but that’s not it.
It’s pretty simple actually. But it’s also not. Because yes, anxiety is getting nervous a lot, but it’s more than that and it’s also different for everyone who has it.
For me, it’s occasionally missing class because I’m overwhelmed with all the classwork (and other things) that I have. This isn’t helpful because later that day the guilt starts to settle in, plus I realize that I just gave myself another thing to be overwhelmed about. But those 5 minutes (maybe more, maybe less) of calm after canceling something just feel too nice.
It’s also missing out on opportunities because that would mean I would have to keep up a conversation with someone, or multiple people. You mean I have to show you my personality? My thoughts and feelings that you might not agree with? You might not like me, and yes I know that not everyone is going to like me, but does that stop me from being afraid? No. Nope. I also think it’s kind of funny because sometimes even someone’s presence makes me feel on edge, but I don’t like being alone. I’m still figuring that out.
Anxiety is job interviews. That’s it. That’s the whole sentence.
Actually, it’s phone interviews. No, in-person ones are hard too. Oh, it’s also New York City. Like the whole place, which is funny when many job opportunities happen to be there. I can’t forget about my fear of driving. Or cars. Or even public transportation. It’s constantly worrying about the family members who I don’t see often so then I text them at 3 AM asking if everything is okay and I’m surprised that they’re not answering. It’s a sudden loss. Or a loss I knew was coming.
My anxiety is also small things. Like being too early to an event, or late. If I’m late I don’t show up at all. Terrible rule, but one I live by. It’s not following a schedule or being behind. It’s the thought that someone is staring at me.
Anxiety isn’t just being nervous about something, it’s fear. But it’s also not just fear. All of these things that I’m afraid of pile up. When things pile up, it gets overwhelming. I think that more than anything, it makes me afraid.
Remember why I skip class sometimes? Because I’m overwhelmed. All these fears are things that in one way or another I might encounter, and eventually, it gets so overwhelming that I just need to hide. Over time, those absences catch up, the work I put off is due, and suddenly everything has snowballed. But how do I hide and still be a successful student?
I don’t have the answer to that, everything I do now is trial and error. I see what works and what doesn’t. I have good days, I have great days, and I have the worst days. I must be doing something right since I made it to my second year of school.