Content Warning: mentions suicide
What do you do when the thought of dying feels easier than the thought of living another day?
This is a question I’ve struggled with for years. September is Suicide Prevention Month, and it’s something near and dear to my heart. I’ve struggled with depression since I was 13 years old, and it has been a constant battle. Sometimes I question if I’ll ever get better. I’ve heard so many phrases that others who struggle with depression have heard: you’re just lazy, you just need to go outside more, you have no reason to be depressed, etc. If only it were that simple.
Depression is an incredibly complex disease. There’s a common stigma that it’s just feeling really sad, but it’s more than that. It isn’t just sadness–it’s irritation, disordered eating, even wanting to die. Anger is one of the strangest but most relatable symptoms to me. I did not know that extreme irritability or anger could be linked to depression, but it is. My anger made me feel like a horrible person. Every little thing would irritate me. I’d snap at my loved ones, and then feel crushing remorse later. I felt like a monster.
Depression is often invisible to the outside world. The way I see it, it’s like screaming, but no one can hear you, no matter how hard you try. I can put on a happy face sometimes. But just because I go to class, work, and have hobbies doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle. I have days where I can’t get out of bed, where I break down and can’t stop crying, where I wish I were dead. Sometimes my heart physically hurts so much I think it’ll kill me. And sometimes I hope it will.
The thing a lot of people don’t understand is what it’s like to want to die. It’s hard to explain, even though I’ve wished for it for so long. It feels like there’s an emptiness inside of me—no hope, will, or pleasure—only loneliness. Sure, I have good days, but they’re not enough to fight this feeling. People have told me I have no reason to be depressed—I have a loving family, I’ve never struggled financially, I’m able-bodied. To those people, I say: Do you really think anyone would choose to feel this way? People need to realize that you can have everything going right in your life and still struggle mentally. Why do you think so many people commit suicide when it’s the last thing you would expect from them?
I have wished for so long that people would ask me if I was ok. It’s so hard to reach out when you feel like a burden. Depression is very isolating. I spend so much time in my head, drowning in my own thoughts. All I want is a hug or a person to listen to me. For years, I stayed silent because I was afraid—afraid of being judged or thrown into a mental institution. Where I grew up, mental health issues were demonized. The reality is, a lot of people suffer from mood disorders like depression. It’s not something that should be seen as taboo because this keeps people from reaching out for help.
Asking for help is one of the bravest things I think you can do. The first time I talked to my parents, I was terrified. I was even more scared to bring it up to my doctor. I spent years lying on anxiety/depression screeners, until this January, when I finally admitted to my doctor that I had been struggling. This confession—one of the scariest moments of my life—got me help.
There’s nothing weak about struggling with depression, contrary to what others say. It infuriates me when people belittle others for struggling, but this says a lot more about their lack of empathy than it does about us. Depression is not something you can just “get over.” If it were, I and a lot of other people would’ve gotten over it years ago. Everyone has different experiences with depression, and what works for one person might not work for another. This doesn’t make their struggle less real, though.
People nowadays are quick to judge without any empathy for others. It’s important to remember that people’s hatred is not more important than your well-being. People die from suicide too often. Talk to your friends and family. Even if they seem like they’re ok, they might not be. It’s better to be a little too safe than wake up to the news that someone you love is gone.
For immediate crises: call/text 9885
AMHSA hotline: 1-800-662-HELP(4357)