The hardest thing I’ve ever done after dropping out to heal was reapplying for school. For me, college wasn’t an “if” or “when”, it was a “you are going to do it and graduate.” I was in my junior year when it happened, and the person I was during that time was not someone I was proud of. I was always drunk, crying, or just not putting in work to get better. Luckily, at the time, I was surrounded by the best people who lifted me up and kept me alive (which you can read about here), but I knew that to save myself from continuing to spiral, I could not stay. So, I dropped out but promised my parents I would reenroll somewhere else when the time was right. I spent the summer working and making new friends at work, so that by the time the fall semester rolled around, I thought I was ready. Susquehanna would become my new home.
Things weren’t easy. While getting on new meds and opening up helped for a bit, I was neglecting something crucial. I was no longer the “me” I was at my other university; this version of me had gone through something awful and was living with the truth and weight of that. Trauma not only affects you in the moment but is something that lives and grows with you. It’s not a linear process either, because when you finally feel comfortable and healed, you then feel like it’s getting bad again. It’s super hard, and I really struggled balancing taking care of myself and learning who I am now.
My first year back was an emotional rollercoaster because things that hadn’t affected me before suddenly set me completely off. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel mad or upset, because I had already gone through the worst-case scenario. So, when I felt that fight or flight reaction (which was always), I would beat myself up and would tell myself, ‘You aren’t allowed to feel like that’. I repressed all my emotions inside, but by doing that, the feelings would just build up until they came out in rough and ugly fashions. It wasn’t until I started talking to professionals, mainly the Transitions of PA advocate on campus, that I started to feel something close to ease.
Something I needed to do first was forgive myself, because I held onto was something was my fault, or that if I had reacted in different ways, then I would magically go back to being okay. I needed to forgive myself for healing, because I gave myself such a short timeline to do it. I jumped off the diving board and didn’t know how to start swimming, and I had gone through the whole academic year flailing in the water, thinking it was swimming. The water was entering my lungs. By the end of last year, I was miserable and feeling like all the progress I had made was completely for nothing.
Summer was not a hot girl, nor was she brat, it was about understanding me. I went back to working with kids and giving myself a break. I was going out with friends and falling more in love with my boyfriend. I was allowing myself to be upset and have feelings. Yes, I was still depressed, and there were things that summer that made it worse. But I had already survived the worst, I knew I could make it through this. That’s what I did.
This year, as I prepared and made sure I was in a place where I knew I would be okay. Have I struggled, yes. But I lived it and gave myself grace. I worked hard and made my college experience something that made me proud. It wasn’t perfect, but I have memories that I will cherish forever. For me, my college experience was no longer lined with my trauma, but my achievements.
When I had those moments where I was struggling and feeling unable to cope, I turned to my supports. I had my South Carolina friends who I would just call to check in and instantly feel better, my wonderful boyfriend who truly has done more for me then I could ask for, my friends in my building who have built a community within itself, and my amazing Her Campus exec (had to plug the chapter). You never have to go through life alone, and that’s something I struggled to understand, thinking I was supposed to be strong. Strength is objective; strength is doing the damn thing when odds are against you. Strength is living when the world feels different.
So if you have gone through hell and back, and are looking to go back to college still. Here’s my advice:
- There is no timeline for healing. Take things at your own pace, not what you think everyone else wants it to be. If you need time, take time.
- Find a community. Whether it be a friend group or just joining a club, find somewhere you feel you belong. It’s so easy to feel like an outsider; find people who won’t let you feel like you don’t belong.
- Forgive yourself and give yourself grace. It’s not your fault, and you did everything you could. Stop holding onto what you could’ve done, and focus on what you can do now.
- Make yourself proud. There are so many expectations out there, but focus on yours. Try just doing one thing a day, even the mundane, and feel proud that you completed something. Be proud of yourself.
You survived. Give yourself credit. There will be hard patches and days when you will not feel so heavy. College is a time to rebuild and rediscover yourself, so go out and find who you are.