Friendship is a commitment, like any other; by being a friend you are promising to enjoy the good times whilst being there to support and help ride out the bad times. It’s a balance. Sometimes though, it can be tricky to know how to navigate a situation, and help your friend, without overstepping your boundaries. A key example of this is when your close friend goes through a breakup with their beau. Whether it be mutual and respectful or messy and complicated, we all want to help our friends in this kind of situation, but it’s difficult to know how. You don’t want to say the wrong thing and enflame the situation or hinder their healing. There’s a certain etiquette when handling a heartbroken friend for example:
DON’T- Trash talk their ex straight away
This can be tempting, I know. Your friend is the best person in the world, and they’re hurt as a result of this person which must make this person the worst person in the world right? The issue is, talking smack about your friend’s ex has the high possibility of backfiring. They were likely in love with this person, and so even though you want to show your support, trash talking him/her, will only help fuel their own anger, and they might even resent you for voicing this. Possibilities include:
Why didn’t you tell me you thought this when I first got together with them?
Did you hate them the whole time we were together?
So, you’re saying they’re an awful person…does that mean I’m an awful judge of character?
…or something along those lines. Essentially, whilst there may come a point where your friend is ready to make jokes about the situation and needs to hear ‘you can do so much better,’ to help get their groove back, don’t dive in with the insults straight away. Let your friend’s heart heal without making them question what they were doing with the person- that kind of hypothesizing will only send them spiraling. And as easy as it would be to say it, the chances are their ex isn’t the worst person in the world. Even if they did hurt your friend, they’re probably just a person.
DON’T- Try and jumpstart the moving on process.
The end of a relationship needs some breathing space, in some senses it is a little like grieving, you have to have time to go through the individual stages in order to figure out and process your emotions. This is an individual journey, and so remember your role here. As a friend it is your responsibility to help support your friend through every stage, it is NOT your responsibility to tell them how they should be feeling or try and hurry the process along.
Strong suggestions here include: Not saying ‘Well hey now at least you can give Tinder a go’ or ‘Being single is great!’
Again, save these kinds of statements for later down the line when your friend tells you they’re ready to get back out there, don’t decide for them when the time is.
DON’T- Encourage them to go back to their ex.
Like I said, breakups can be messy. And this is a case-by-case thing, but as a general rule? Ex’s are exes for a reason, and most of the time should probably stay that way. But in the aftermath of a breakup, it’s very natural for people to drift back together, because the absence feels so foreign. Whilst a bit of back and forth may seem harmless, it does more damage in the long run when the inevitable final breakups occurs.
Especially if your friend was the dumper, remind them why they broke up with their significant other, and unless you really truly think it’s what’s best for them, don’t encourage them that going back to them is the best thing to do. It’s usually just the easiest thing, but that doesn’t mean it’s the healthiest.
WARNING: You might experience slight defensiveness from your friend’s front, because you haven’t given them the answer they want. Of course, be sure to tell them it is their decision to make, and you support them whatever they do, but remind them that what they want to do and what they need to do might be two different things.
(But if they do get back with their ex and then break up again… don’t say I told you so. It won’t go down well.)
DO- Remind them that an end of a relationship doesn’t mean failure.
In our society, ending is always associated with failure. Because of this, your friend might feel that because their relationship has ended, it means they made the wrong decision all along, or have ‘failed.’ When this isn’t the case- sometimes relationships run their course. Or even if it messier than that, often that is where we learn our most valuable lessons.
Help your friend to see the positives in the time they spent with that person and be sure to remind them that people are not always a fit for our entire lives, but that doesn’t mean that spending time with them for a part of it was a waste of time.
DO- Let them know you are there for them.
So, this one seems kind of on the nose right? It’s pretty basic, but it’s important to make sure your friend knows not only that you are there for them, but that their sadness is not a burden. People often don’t reach out to one another because they don’t want to bring the other person down, but it’s important in a breakup to have a support system and use it. Especially if your friend isn’t the kind to ask for help, make sure that you make the first step, so they don’t have to. This can be popping round their house with some chocolate and a movie or sending them a text to ask how they’re doing and if there is anything you can do to help. If you’re working with longer distance like I am, reminding them that you are always free to facetime and talk whenever they need is a good alternative.
DO- Tell them how appreciated they are.
After a breakup, a lot of people tend to look inner- they start believing the relationship went wrong because of a fault of theirs, or, especially if they were broken up with, the rejection can make them harbor doubts about their own self-image.
It’s important that you take the time to tell your friend how loved and appreciated they are, and how one relationship is not a reflection on them and shouldn’t alter how they view themselves. Deep down they’ll know this, but it can be useful to hear someone else say it.
Nobody likes seeing their friend go through something like a breakup, it can be confusing and complicated and a bit of a minefield, and unfortunately there is no magic fix. It’s a cliché but Time is really the biggest healer and so the only thing you can really do is be there with the tissues and ice cream until it’s worked its charm.