Content warning: mental health, depression.
Earlier this week the Daily Gamecock, the student run news outlet here on the U of SC campus, announced they were going dark for a week in response to the strain in which this semester has put on the staff’s mental health. In support of this move, I asked the HerCampus editorial staff to share their own mental health stories (if they were comfortable) to show that struggles are affecting every inch of the student body. I felt that it was unfair to ask this of my writers to share their stories if I wouldn’t open up and share my own. This story is years in the making, but one that I have neglected to acknowledge in myself.
In high school, my life consisted of two very time consuming things: academics and soccer. These two entities were what all of my teenage memories were tied to, what all of my time was given to, and what my identity (at least in my own POV) fully became. On the outside, I appeared to be successful at balancing them. I graduated as one of the valedictorians from my high school, competed at the highest club soccer level for women in the US, and even somehow managed to be involved with other extracurriculars such as the National Honor Society. I thought this was normal, waking up at 5:45AM, attending school until 2:45PM, and traveling to/playing soccer until 11PM every night during club season. My break came during the 3 months of school soccer season where I was able to stop playing at around 9PM on game nights. I then had homework, test prep, time with my family/friends, and sleep I had to fit into my schedule. Not one single person in my family pushed me or forced me to do all of this, it was an expectation from outside sources I felt like I had to uphold.
During my junior year of high school, when college prep was thrown into the mix, I hit what I now know was my breaking point. I felt exhausted all the time, hardly slept, was argumentative, and thought my life was a movie I was watching but not a cast member in. My identity was created by perceptions I thought people had of me and what I should become. I carried on each day watching time pass without even knowing if I had a purpose or if I was just following along the path which was being created for me. I began hating things I enjoyed: I would cry before soccer games, I (multiple times) cancelled plans with friends because I was too tired, I would even stay home alone and sit in silence rather than do anything with my family members because it took too much out of me. Every part of existing became too draining.
My life continued through the cycle for years. I worried about if I chose the right college and what people would say because I chose U of SC over X other school. I worried if by changing my major I would disappoint those around me even though I absolutely hated engineering once I began my college education. Every choice I made came with the weight of wondering if said choice aligned with the identity I let others create for me.
Towards the end of this summer, the last string I had holding myself together finally broke. I began lashing out at those closest to me. I cried for hours a day. I contemplated even taking a semester off because God knows COVID-19 did not help anyone’s mental health. My world became very dark, and extremely small.
With some push, I decided to attend counseling. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder which stemmed from my high school experience. I was informed that since I was not able to choose my own identity during my formative years, my brain essentially was on crisis mode 24/7. It felt so relieving to have an answer as to why I have been feeling the way I have for years now. Counseling was something I always feared; I feared the stigma of going, the answers I may be given, I feared the uncertainty of it all. Now, I realize it has been the greatest gift and the combination of therapy and medical intervention I have accepted has made a world of difference. I encourage everyone to seek help, and not to try to “push through it.”
Do not be afraid of seeking help in any form, and do not be afraid of acknowledging sometimes that you may need to be a little easier on yourself. I admire the Daily Gamecock for bringing light to the exhaustion we all seem to feel right now.
If you or a friend are looking for mental health assistance on the U of SC campus, you can call USC Counseling and Psychiatry at: 803-777-5223. The Thomson Building also accepts walk-in patients from Monday-Friday, and walk-ins may be seen at the Center for Health and Well Being on Sundays.