Over the past few months, maybe even years, people have finally decided to open up to discussions about mental health concerns. Instead of suffering in silence, there’s a new type of acceptance and assistance available for people who are struggling. I’ve found understanding through professionals and have begun to deal with my emotions in a more productive manner. However, despite this more accepting society I’ve discovered a new problem that I’m beginning to deal with. I feel so many emotions, but I never know when it’s okay to feel them. I’ve internally decided that you can only feel certain emotions with friends and family, and you can only confront negative emotions by yourself or with a therapist.
So, for quite some time, I’ve been keeping things in for the betterment of my friends. Does that make any sense? I don’t think so. My friends want to support me through difficult times, but I think it’s easier, and more comfortable, to just be happy around others. This worked in high school because I had to be happy for eight hours and then I got to go home and be alone in my room to be sad. Now, I’m in a dorm with a roommate and no personal space that is specifically for me and me alone. Under these circumstances, I’ve come to realize how unhealthy my coping mechanisms are. Why do I owe people so much, yet myself so little? How can I establish healthy relationships if I can’t show my actual emotions to those I care about? I deserve to be comfortable with myself and to be happy. And I can’t be happy when I force my negative emotions down so other people feel better.
Now I’m not saying that I can be a horrible person because my current emotion is anger or sadness. Although if I’m not feeling the best and I decide to just be present, that’s okay too! I would be okay if my friends are having a bad day and just want to be with the group and deep down I know that they would be okay if I was feeling the same way. I’ve just got to break this nasty habit of pretending to always be okay.
I’ve been trying to feel my emotions as they come. If I’m sad, I’m sad. If I’m happy, I’m happy. I don’t allow myself to be consumed by those emotions, but I acknowledge that I’m feeling them and decide how to treat myself accordingly. Then, after a little while of feeling that emotion, I make a decision about whether or not I can move on from feeling that way or if I want to keep feeling that emotion. Emotions are a thing to be controlled—they shouldn’t be controlling us too much.
It’s okay not to be okay. And now my delayed New Year’s resolution is to find a way to be okay with that.