When we typically think of grief, we conceptualize it as something felt after loss, stages of emotions we feel as we reflect on the time we’ve had with a loved one we lost.
Everyone will know what grief feels like, but what people don’t talk about is what it is like to grieve before loss.
Anticipatory grief is an overthinker’s worst nightmare. It is the anticipation of losing someone dear to you, grieving the future where that person will no longer exist.
It’s very morbid, but if there is anything more relatable as a young girl, it’s the feeling of losing time.
The first time I experienced anticipatory grief was when I was deciding on where to go to college: I was torn between staying in the Bay Area and moving to Oregon.
At the time, this felt like a life-ending decision rather than a life-changing opportunity. I would lie awake at night in fear.
My mind was filled with intrusive thoughts of losing a loved one and not being home to cherish more moments together.
This impending grief appeared without rationality, and I fell into paranoia. I felt so selfish for even considering leaving home on the off chance that the people I love might need me.
I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t focus. The anxiety was eating me alive.
Even after finally making a decision and still being near my loved ones, I’ve noticed anticipatory grief carries on into my college experience. I continue to hold back from opportunities due to overthinking and inescapable experiences.
College is a lot of things, but it’s also meant to be a transformative time in one’s life, a blip in an individual’s trajectory. Every second counts. Which is why it is so important to live life as we begin to forge our own paths.
I’ve realized that while being so sad and scared of the inevitable, I’ve stopped appreciating everything in front of me. In the fear of death, I’ve stopped living.
Though overthinking will always come naturally to me, I’ve learned how to cope with anticipatory grief. Some strategies can be journaling, talking to someone, exercising, meditation, and simply feeling your emotions.
Self-reflection allowed me to move past these mental blocks that keep me from moving forward. With lots of journaling and speaking to my loved ones, I’ve felt increasingly comfortable taking more leaps of faith.
I’ve even decided to apply to study abroad for a semester.
I’ll always be a little scared to leave my family, but it is also important to stop holding back from opportunities because of anticipatory grief.
As I am preparing to hit the submit button on my application, I understand how valuable it is to live the life I am beginning to choose for myself. I choose to stop fearing the “what ifs” and instead run towards these possibilities.
While I can’t promise tomorrow, I can promise that there is no greater gift than the present.
How do you live your life to the fullest? Let us know @HerCampusSJSU!