“For one day you’re here. And then you’re gone.”- legendary Texas rap duo, UGK.
When I was younger, I feared death. Now as a young adult, I still do. However, back then this fear wasn’t just any normal kind of fear; it was like a phobia. I was petrified at the idea that one day I would cease to exist. To have been so young, I had this adult-like tendency to stress and overthink about the future and the unknown. What if a terrible earthquake happens and we all die? What if someone breaks into my home and kills my family and me? These were just a few of the irrational thoughts that replayed throughout my head nearly every single day.
I have no clue of the origins of how I developed this incredibly strong phobia of death at such a young age. One thing I do know for sure is that my father, who was essentially slowly dying, did not help my situation. It was then, when I finally figured out that death was very much apparent in my life and looming around the corner; that I truly began to start freaking out.
I remember one day, while riding in the car with my father, my obsessive thoughts regarding death came spilling out of my mouth. I asked him, “What if something really bad happens, like a natural disaster or a wreck, and we all die? I don’t wanna die.” Without much thought or hesitation my father quickly responded by saying, “You can’t worry about that kind of stuff baby girl. Everybody’s gonna die, because death is a part of life. You can’t live life in fear; that’s no way to live.” Coming from a man who was battling with kidney disease and at the very bottom of the donor list, I had no reason to question or argue. All I could do in that moment was trust in his words.
Those words have stuck with from that point on. That conversation helped me to dial back on this intense fear of the “What If’s” of the world. Soon after that, my father and I’s conversations became more and more concentrated on death. I believe he was trying to prepare me, and maybe even himself, for what was about to happen. Of course, we could’ve had more talks of hope and optimism for the future, but one thing about death is that it is in no way hopeful or optimistic. My father knew I was struggling with the idea of death, and he knew that unfortunately soon I was going to have to encounter it on a more personal level.
I learned a valuable lesson through those simple words my father spoke to me that day, and soon after that; I also learned that death is not all black and white. Death is much more complex, and it can be quite abrupt and even ironic. My father, who was diagnosed with kidney failure, didn’t die because of that disease. Instead, he died of a cardiac arrest that was completely random and unrelated to his health issues. All the conversations my father and I had didn’t quite prepare me for that type of death. That sudden in your face, just like that kind of death.
The recent passing’s of several different philanthropists, influencers, artists, and icons such as Mac Miller, Nipsey Hussle, and Kobe Bryant are examples of that random, out of the blue kind of death. No one could have imagined that these individuals would die how they did and when they did. It all seemed to come out of thin air, as if it were literally a dream. These sudden and tragic deaths brought back those intense feelings I had when I was a little girl. I started thinking again “What if that would’ve been me? What if today is my mother’s last day? What if I never see or speak to my friends again?”, these are the questions that started circling around my brain continuously just like they once did in the past.
However, even with the dark thoughts and overthinking trying to take back control, I had to remember my father’s words. I reminded myself that death is a part of life. I remembered that obsessing about if you’ll live to see another day or not is no healthy way to live. I thought about how we, as human beings, are not in control of when it happens or how, but that we should learn/grow to accept death as inevitable.
All of this is hard and weird and uncomfortable to discuss, but I just felt the need to talk about it. Talking about death openly with my father helped me to come to better terms with my fears. I write this article not to tell anyone that they can’t be afraid of dying or that they have to accept it, but to encourage everyone dealing with this kind of fear. To encourage you all to just truly make the most out of each day. To recommend that you stop worrying so much about the “What if’s” and the future. Yes, tomorrow may not be promised for everyone, but at least you’ve got today.