Girl Holding Her Knees

Dark Times

I don’t really know where this is going, but I hope you can relate to some of the same feelings and thoughts I’ve been dealing with. Things are changing and it’s scary, dark, lonely… the list goes on. I know change can be good or positive, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the change you never expected to happen, at least not this soon. I know when it comes to change, everyone likes to say, “oh well, that’s just how life goes” when things get tough or stressful. I hate this saying. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s very important to understand that you cannot control everything in your life, but something about that saying seems very invalidating. You have a right to feel anything and everything that you are feeling, regardless of if it is under your control or not. I have been struggling with this concept for some time now. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel better about things, but it helps me understand that the way I feel isn’t being pulled out of thin air.

In the past, whenever I would go through episodes of depression, panic attacks, or breakdowns, I would always feel lost or numb. Recently when I go through these, I have this small sense of hope. No matter how upset I get and how much I want to convince myself that the world is over, I remember that there are better days ahead of me. I know I can get through this. Whenever I get into certain negative moods, I always listen to certain artists. It’s usually a mix between Fall Out Boy, Billie Eilish, and Sam Smith. Listening to this music and really taking in the lyrics can be really powerful, especially when they relate to your situation so accurately. One lyric I will never forget is from Billie Eilish’s song “I Wish you Were Gay”:“I just want to make you feel okay, but all you do is look the other way”. These lyrics apply to people in my life, but also to myself. There are times where all I want to do is make myself happy and feel good about things, but my anxiety and depression just make that harder and harder. I also think back to a lyric from a Fall Out Boy song, “Champion”: “If I can live through this, I can do anything”. Whenever I listen to this song, I remind myself of my strength and my ability to pick myself up off the ground and put my pieces back together. Another lyric I commonly go back to is “I’m a stitch away from making it, but a scar away from falling apart” which is a lyric from another Fall Out Boy track, “The (After) Life of The Party.” I know that may seem negative compared to the first lyric, but it reminds me that I’m human. It reminds me that it’s okay to have scars and acknowledge the pain you had to go through to get to the point you are now.

Again, I really didn’t know where this article was going, but it helped me get through a breakdown, if I’m being honest. I have never been the type to write things down or write in a journal, but this seemed like the only thing that could calm me down. I have felt so silent for so long, so being able to express these feelings makes me feel heard. I know that every person has their own trauma, their own baggage, and their own emotional issues they struggle with every day. I never try to claim that I understand everyone’s pain, but I do hope that everyone understands that what they feel isn’t nothing. We all have certain feelings for a reason, even if we don’t want to admit it to ourselves. I hope that whoever is reading this article can relate to these feelings in one way or another.