When you think about clinical depression what immediately comes to mind is a person laying in their bed all day long unable to do anything else. But that is not what depression looks like to me which is why it took so long for me to even realized I was depressed and that I needed help.
When I am depressed ….
I get super involved in my food and I eat constantly. Normally I eat only two meals a day but when I am depressed I will eat four or five whole meals and snack constantly. All that I talk about for days on end is food and how much I want food.
I dance around my room and sing in the shower. Mostly I sing Disney music because it makes me feel as though the world is a magically perfect place. For just a few minutes I get to feel like a Disney princess and the rest of the world fades away.
I clean my room and organize my clothes. I pull everything out and then clean it and put it back perfectly. I fold all of my clothes using the Kon-Mari method (even though it really isn’t practical for me). Because when my physical world is perfectly need and clean then I don’t have to worry about the fact that my mind is an absolute mess.
I go out of my way to talk to others and especially ask how they are doing. I have agoraphobia and severe anxiety about social interactions so talking to people is really outside my wheelhouse. Yet I do it because pretending that I am completely normal and happy just feels right. “Fake it till you make it”, you know?
I can’t sleep (it is too hard to be alone with my thoughts) so I stay up late and wake up early to work. I purposely prolong my homework so that I can justify staying up very late at night. Then, I wake up super early to go to the gym and do everything else I tell myself I need to do before class.
People describe me as smiley and giddy and outgoing. Which is kind of funny because normally I am the least smiley, giddy, or outgoing person you could meet. I don’t know why but I suddenly become so bubbly like its Christmas day or I am in Disneyland and I just want to make everyone else feel the same way. Yet really that’s not how I feel at all.
Sometimes it is called atypical depression or unconventional depression or even smiling depression. It is believed that half of people with mental illnesses like depression do not exhibit the classic and telltale symptoms. Because of this, sufferers are less likely to be noticed and treated and are more likely to commit suicide. But really depression doesn’t fit into just two groups; typical or atypical, it is a spectrum. This because we are all unique people and have had different life experiences which lead to us working through the hard stuff in completely unique ways and not always in ways that we ourselves would expect. Honestly, I didn’t even realize anything was wrong until I took an intro to Psych class in college. And I am lucky, I started going to therapy and really understand myself and my mind. So please don’t compare your emotions or your experiences to anyone else. If you feel like you are not okay they you probably aren’t. And that is okay. It is okay to go to a therapist, it is okay to take medication, it is okay to have good days and bad days. Our emotions and experiences are never wrong just because they are different.
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for confidential help (1-800-273-8255).
Visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org for resources and online chat support.