The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of The University of Scranton.
Motivational speaker, podcaster, and life coach Mel Robbins, a Dartmouth grad and New York Times bestselling author, has recently gone viral across social media for her newest psychosocial theory, the “let them theory.” If you haven’t come across “your friend” Mel on Instagram, TikTok, or wherever you get your podcasts, the “let them” theory aims to center one within themselves amidst chaotic environments, cultivate self-confidence, foster inner peace, and remind people of the power that lies in personal responsibility and self-control. The “let them” theory has two components: “let them” and “let me.”
The core tenet of the “let them” component is assessment of what we can and cannot control. In an interview with fellow podcaster and life coach Jay Shetty, Mel insists that our time and energy are worth protecting; oftentimes, she argues, the power we unknowingly hand to the people around us drains us of both. Our tendency to fixate on others’ issues, emotions, experiences, and “drama,” as Mel calls it, is what is truly to blame for our feelings of emptiness, loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc. What saying “let them” to ourselves in times of stress or frustration does, if done with patience and sincerity, is creates a boundary between ourselves and another’s mood; this allows us to encounter others’ experiences without becoming enveloped by them. “Let them” is not a means to avoid holding others accountable for hurtful actions, nor a glorified phrase for “doormat;” it’s simply a tool to prohibit others from “derailing your day” and exerting authority over your emotions. By saying “let them” to ourselves, we are reminded that we can control our emotions, actions, and reactions, not the people or circumstances around us.
“Let me,” Mel insists, is the most crucial component of this theory; without this component, the “let them” theory is ineffective. By saying “let me” after “let them,” we take responsibility (“the ability to respond”) for our emotions and ourselves as detached from the situation at hand. What we think, what we do, and how we process our emotions are what are always within our control, according to Mel. We hold within ourselves the power to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to communicate with someone who has hurt us calmly and with positive intention, to take responsibility for our own emotional needs, etc. Once these courses of actions have been taken, as in, you’ve communicated positively and intentionally with a person who is draining you and given them tangible means to change a behavior or build a skill over time, then, Mel reasons, you have to give them the space to make a choice; either that person, though imperfect, will make every effort to meet you where you are, or they will continue to disregard and disparage your needs. If the outcome looks like the latter, Mel begs us to “let [that person] be who they are.” Love is, after all, accepting someone for who they are, isn’t it? Perhaps, if we are struggling with a person more than we are enjoying ourselves with them, if we are complaining more than we are complimenting, we are simply not a match for them, and that’s okay! There is no shame in walking away from people and spaces that do not feel safe for your needs or sincerely invested in your growth.
As a young woman moving through the college experience, the “let them” theory has proved to be both immensely helpful and endlessly frustrating. As Mel discusses with Jay Shetty, humans are hardwired to seek control, whether it be over people, places, or circumstances. Our urges to control “push up against each other” naturally, forcing us to make choices about how we address, or ignore, our day-to-day tensions. I will say that learning detachment, learning to “let them,” “let it,” “let me,” to release my desperation for control along with the shame and guilt when it fails, has proven invaluable. I have learned that my emotions and the way I process and communicate them are my responsibility, and others’ are theirs. I have learned to let people and circumstances “be who[/what] they are,” to accept rather than resist. I have learned that peace, the stillness we pine for so ardently, comes from the inside and stretches out with your own work and commitment to it. I have learned to “let m[yself]” create my own happiness and “let them” be who or what they are without bearing their weight.
Nurturing peace within ourselves is a conscious, difficult, everyday decision, and I am the first to say that I often fall short. However, I’ve found that the people, spaces, and practices that matter, that are true, have a way of coming back around to find you, of meeting you where you are with empathy and care.
Let yourself be unfinished, always revising, always learning. Let yourself start over, be given grace. Let yourself be loved, valued, and worthy of time and energy. Let yourself know yourself, protect your time, passion, and joy.
And “let them” be.