I typically go to the gym five days a week. Over the last few weeks or so, I have been catching myself looking in the mirror and staring at myself. I’ve been observing all the different parts of my body, the majority of which I struggle to appreciate. My body is different than many people’s, as I lost a significant amount of weight during my college years through anorexia. Because of this, I struggle with how I view myself. I carry loose skin on my stomach. I have cellulite on the back of my legs. I see these parts of myself in the mirror, and suddenly my intrusive thoughts want to take over and convince me that I MUST work out to change these parts of myself.
This changes my mood for the day completely. Suddenly, the workout I was doing for joy becomes necessary to “fix” these parts of my body. These thoughts resemble what were once my daily thoughts during anorexia. Convincing myself that I have to go on the StairMaster for an hour at 6 a.m. each morning before class to become “skinny.” That’s one of the many difficult parts of recovery. For me personally, my negative thoughts have never left. A part of them has always lingered.
The other day, I was having this exact experience at the gym. My friend took a picture of me as we were doing core exercises. And the first thing I thought to myself was, “Wow, I look so fat in this.” Because, again, those thoughts remain in you after recovery. I had been struggling this entire week with body image, and this picture was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I had the same experience the day after looking at photos of me and my friends from a night out. Instead of reminiscing about the moments and memories we shared that night. The first thing I looked at was my literal elbow and how it looked in a picture. Because, again, even over a year in recovery, these thoughts still happen.
After this, I took some time to think alone. I was with my friend, getting to move and take care of our bodies or sharing moments with my friend group, and the first thing I thought to myself was a negative opinion of my appearance. What I had to remember is that my opinion is not a fact. We are truly our own harshest critic. My body has been through such a difficult journey to get to its current state. In the future, when this comes up, my goal is to remind myself how grateful I am for the body that has changed with me, and to be kinder to the girl in the mirror.