Non-Stop

“Hamilton” and Flying time

Over Thanksgiving break, I went to see the musical Hamilton with my mom and sister. Our seats were crammed in the corner of the theater, but we still got to be there, which was awesome. The musical was lots of fun, with the versatile use of the set, the music, and the overall energy. 

We laughed, we sang along in our heads (not supposed to sing along during a production), we got teary-eyed (act two gets me every time, somehow). Watching historical figures have rap battles really lightens the mood when the modern government is an absolute circus (and not a fun one).  

But there’s a little quirk, if you will, that my family has towards me in regard to Hamilton. A specific song, towards the end of act one, has a set of lyrics that my sister, but mostly my mom, tends to always shoot a glance my way when they pop up. If I remember the title right, printed on the playbill, the song is “Non-Stop.” There’s a repeated bit that goes:  

“Why do you write like you’re running out of time?” 

“Why do you write like it’s keeping you alive?” 

“Why do you write like it’s going out of style?”  

And so on, if you know the musical, you know exactly what scene I’m talking about. But I always get a playful glance from my mom. Even when watching the movie, I didn’t expect it during the musical, but I got it there, too.  
I mean, it’s true. I write a lot, proven by all these articles I’ve been writing. 

I remember one time, when we were watching the movie, we hit that scene. My mom turned to me and went, “Why do you write like you’re running out of time?”  

In that instance, I bleakly answered: “Because technically I am, technically we all are.” Which is a bit messed up to say, yikes. It goes to show just how much this fear of passing time and running out of it I have weighs on me. It’s like this looming shadow that lurks in the corner of my mind and strikes out of the blue when I’m left to the silence of my mind. 

Again, if you don’t know the musical, it’ll be hard to understand some of the references I make. I’m mostly paraphrasing all of these lyrics, because I do not feel like looking up the exact lyrics.  There’s a moment where Hamilton in the show has this instance about a fear of death: “I think about death so much it feels a memory,” and “when is it going to get me?” Which reminds me of my own fears, and I hate that it does.  

There’s this aching dread in my mind, but it’s something I can’t change. I beat myself up in my mind when I waste time, and I hurry through things because I worry that there’s not enough time in the world. This is something I have to learn not to do. I struggle to remind myself that it is okay to have time for myself, and that there is time to do things. I’ve been getting better at it, I think. 

Perhaps I write like I’m running out of time, so I have something to leave behind. I don’t think there’s an answer to this anxiety, true. But life and time are something to savor while I can. I just have to take my chance, take my shot, and not let myself collapse under the weight of dread. Yeah, I think I can try that.  

• anxiety
• family
• mental health
• musical
• theater