From arriving at college at the end of August last year to January of this year I lost around 40-ish pounds. It started through a mindset change I had that I wanted to become the best version of myself mentally and physically. Throughout those five months, I worked harder than I ever have through eating right and exercising to look the way I do today. And although this journey has had its highs, there are always lows that come with it. One of them is the fact that I still get insecure about how I look.
The one thing I imagined my life being when I lost weight was that all my insecurities about myself would go away. And although I wish this was the case, that is so far from the truth. A month ago or so I was getting ready. I put on my outfit, walked in front of my mirror, and stopped. I stood there for around five-ish minutes contemplating what I looked like. And for a second it felt like I was looking at the same girl I was back in August. Now this typically only occurs if I stare in the mirror for a while or if I overanalyze a picture of myself. But in all honesty, once in a while, it takes place for me.
I quickly went online and started doing some research. I learned that this is a very common occurrence for people who lost weight. They go through a state of body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia is essentially hyper fixating on your flaws. A lot of the time when people lose weight they will still see themselves in the mirror as they did before. And although this is unhealthy, it is the sad truth. And in this moment, I realized that I had a severe moment of body dysmorphia.
The truth is that Olivia Rodrigo is spot on in her song “pretty isn’t pretty” when she says, “You can win the battle, but you’ll never win the war.” You can win the battle by losing weight and looking the best you have in your life. But you will not win the war of the body dysmorphia that comes with it. Or when she says, “Fix the things you hated, and you’d still feel so insecure.” This anthem is one I claim for me and the other girls who suffer from a dysmorphic ill intent within that convince us we are not good enough.
Ever since that moment, I have been trying to find mental clarity on this issue. Reminding myself that no matter if my mind tells me I have not changed at all, in reality, I have physically and mentally. Even after that moment I still catch myself feeling insecure about different parts of myself. Whether it be my legs, arms, or even my face. But seeing other people on social media who also feel this way has made me feel less alone in my inner struggle.
Truly my worth was never based on my body and realizing that was the biggest game changer. I am so much more than how much I weigh or what I look like. And although sometimes I cannot see my body how others see it, I keep in mind that this is all in my head. Being transparent about this struggle has been one of the most challenging parts of this journey. But I can finally say honestly that my name is Gabby, and I struggle with body dysmorphia. Every single step forward I have taken and continue to take is a choice to heal.