I have severe anxiety. I walk away from every interaction feeling like I’m the socially awkward comic relief character in a sitcom. I still get nervous before hanging out with my closest friends. I may be afraid to speak most of the time, but my inner voice never shuts up.
What am I supposed to say? Should I be making eye contact right now? How do I end this conversation without making them feel as awkward as I do? Is it just me, or is this the most embarrassing thing ever?
These inner thoughts are still a part of my daily life, but I have gradually become better at quieting them down.
Thanks to therapy, Lexapro, the occasional Klonopin, and consistently forcing myself out of my comfort zone, I can be quite the social butterfly. I have done so many things in just this past week that would have given 18-year-old me a panic attack.
For starters, I joined a random club, signed up for a club event, and attended the event at a place I had never been with people I had never talked to before. After that, I went to the gym (mind you, the gym at St. Bonaventure is my worst fear) and used machines I had never touched before.
Two days later, I brought my massive photography camera to class to photograph my professor for an assignment I had in another class. I was, without a doubt, the most distracting classmate to have that day, so I apologize to all involved. On top of that, carrying a camera case half the size of my body around campus was quite a humbling experience.
To end my week of personal horrors, I attended a Zoom interview for an internship position. I was terrified, practicing breathing techniques as I waited to join the meeting, praying that they would actually calm me down for once.
The interviewer and I ended up talking for 40 minutes, and I had a fulfilling experience that left me feeling intelligent and more prepared for my future as a legitimate adult.
Don’t get me wrong, I still felt incredibly awkward during all these interactions, but I still showed up and did my best.
Showing up and doing my best is really all I have ever needed to do.
I put too much pressure on myself to do everything right and to do what I am “supposed” to do all the time. I thought if I couldn’t do something perfectly, then I shouldn’t do it at all. With that mindset, I missed out on a lot of good things.
But I am done missing out on life out of fear of the unknown or the fear of making a mistake. Having new experiences isn’t embarrassing, and making mistakes isn’t embarrassing: everything isn’t embarrassing!