As a college freshman myself, I started my first semester scared of changing who I am as a person. Growing up from the area, I didn’t think it would be that big of a change. I insisted on keeping my long term relationship that I’d had since freshmen year of high school, so the thought of being away from someone you feel so close to was so difficult. According to research, they say only five percent of high school relationships even make it through the first year of college. Me, being in a long distance relationship for one year previously, thought that I would be in that five percent. College was NOT going to be a deal breaker for me, and I could stick through it because we were strong enough for ANYTHING. Wrong. College really changes you as a person, normally for the better, but this time it wasn’t me, but my significant other. It was a shock to me of course, who would expect a breakup with someone you’ve been with for four and a half years? I think this break up is one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. But when you go through these experiences, we often reflect through our stages of grief and see the benefits more and more as time goes on. It may be difficult in the first couple months, but sometimes it’s truly for the best. For me, I found that the love I gave was way more than I was receiving. We often don’t see all the problems in the relationship until it’s not a factor in our lives.
One thing I found to be extremely important towards the end of our relationship were our love languages. For me, gift giving is my first love language. While that sounds extremely materialistic, it’s more about the meanings behind the gift, not the price. I give my friends and family so many things because it’s my way of sharing my love. Throughout our relationship though, I was finding that my love language was not being shared back. They were not a big gift giver, and that was something I struggled with because I found it to be such a big way of showing my love and appreciation for those around me. While those little things may seem insignificant, they add up over time, and those things can really make you feel as though you’re not loved. But at the end of the day, the person who we should all be focusing on the most should be ourselves.
After our breakup, I slowly began to realize how little I loved myself. After growing up with the same person for years, constantly depending and being with them can make you feel as though your only personality is being with them. I realized that all those times together were really just time that I couldn’t be alone because I wasn’t truly happy with myself. My hobbies and interests were no longer as relevant to me as they were prior and I had gained so much happy weight over the years. I wasn’t focusing on myself, rather I focused on them so much that I lost myself along the way. But that is the great part of the breakup; rediscovering who we are as a person without anyone to influence us. Especially with the pandemic, we all were able to get that alone time that really made us realize what we as individuals enjoyed doing alone. Having so much free time made me realized how passionate I am for helping others and doing makeup. The things we find when we are alone often show what we really like, instead of when we are with friends or family. Finding things that I was truly good at and took up my free time really helped me grow as an individual. Not only that, but I also was able to get closer with my family and friends. When we lose someone we once were so close with, it gives even more opportunities to grow other relationships. With those relationships, we can feel less dependent on that one person we used to be with, and more independent but surrounded with those who care for us.
Distance does so much for a breakup. For me it was a bit easier because they go to college a few hours away, but for those who still are around their ex-lover, it can be quite difficult to get over them. The best way to get over someone truly is by not talking to them. It can be super difficult when you used to talk to them on a daily basis, but if you continue to talk to them then we never truly get over them, and the never ending cycle of trying to stay friends and becoming interested again will begin. Friendships may work out for some, but in the end, it won’t help you get over them. Even with not talking, avoiding seeing them or avoid looking on their social media is also a big step. Many try to “bump into” their ex significant lover, and this often results in them missing them. If we continue to stalk them online or see them everywhere, we will not move on. Distance is the key to success, and without it, we can’t become independent.
While we are grieving, we often feel empty and like we don’t have anyone to lean on at this time, but it’s surprising who will all reach out. Once we get to a point where we no longer are dependent of this person, we slowly become more in love with who we are again. Self care, finding a passion, and growing our relationships with others is really what we need during this time. For many, this couple take months, maybe even years, but that’s okay. The process is different for everyone. Finding happiness with yourself is essential when it comes to self-love. If you’re happy with who you are as a person, you’ll be happier in general. We deserve to find a person who will make us the best person we can possibly be. We all need a little more happiness in our lives!