For too much of my adolescent and early adult life, I struggled with low self-esteem and body dysmorphia. I spent years of my life loathing my appearance and personality. This caused so much pain and suffering and impacted the way I treated people around me. As corny as it might sound, the most important person to love is yourself. It took me a lot longer than I am happy to realize this and begin loving myself.
Growing up, people often teased me for my appearance and personality. I was always self-conscious about how I looked, especially my weight. Being a shorter woman means every tiny ounce of weight I gained was evident and present. I was also very insecure about needing to wear braces for the majority of my early teenage years and the fact that I did and still do need to wear glasses.
Even when I got to college, I was, for the most part, self-conscious and had body image problems. I would walk into a room and assume that nobody in it liked me right off the bat. I always had a personality that clashed with others and niche interests unlike most people around me. I also have unpredictable mood swings, which have made it hard for me to connect with people or find people who can deal with my personality for an extended period. I’ve been told that I am more manic than the average person you meet, meaning I have more energetic tendencies and excitement than most others.
I spent too much time disliking myself. I hated how I looked at my personality and felt utterly alone in life and isolated. I wanted to change but didn’t know how to get it as I couldn’t figure out the matter. I always assumed that I was just a problematic person who annoyed and bothered others.
Luckily, during my senior year at college, I had a revelation. I realized that I wasn’t the issue and that I needed to learn how to love myself and stop giving others the power to control my self-image. Others couldn’t hurt me or how I thought of myself if I didn’t let them. I needed to begin to live to impress myself and not worry about what other people thought. I began worrying more about myself and how I saw myself instead of how others thought of me. I started to take better care of myself and do things that made me happy, which helped me see how much time I wasted worrying about other people’s opinions. I started by making small changes to my daily routine and spending more time invested in myself. I began to work out a skin and hair care routine, which made me feel good and gave me a daily ritual to spend extra time on myself.
A few times in my college experience, people have commented about my weight to me. People have referred to me as “fat” or “chubby” and made it a point to talk about my appearances with others. Unfortunately, there were times when these comments would make me so upset that I would starve myself or try to exercise to burn off all the calories I overate. I felt sad and hurt, feeling like my life meant nothing and I was the wrong person. This mindset hurt my ability to make friends and connect with others. Eventually, though, I realized that it does not matter what others think about my weight and that it only matters if I want it to matter. I added meditative walks to my daily ritual, which helped me get exercise and gather my thoughts. Once I started to be healthier out of love for myself, rather than hatred for my self-image, I began to enjoy the new recipes I was trying and exercising.
Once I started living for myself and only caring about myself, my life got better. I began to do things that made me happy and, in turn, began to take better care of myself because I love myself—not because I wanted to fit an image that others wanted. There is no problem with wanting to change things about your life, but do it for yourself, not because others made you feel bad.
I still have a lot to learn and grow to do but have learned more than ever in the past year that I am the only person who has the power to control how I feel. If I feel upset or bad about myself, I can change that. I can love myself and take all those negative words and feelings by channeling them into productivity and happiness. Once I began to work on myself more and focus on growing into the woman I wanted to be, I was happier.
Overall, it’s essential to love yourself. Even if things go wrong, there are times when things are challenging to live for yourself. You’re responsible for your feelings and reactions. You have all the power in the world to live the life you want to. This Valentine’s Day season, love yourself above all else, remember to enjoy life and not take it for granted.