After Abuse is a series that depicts life after surviving through an abusive relationship.
I’ve always been naturally afraid of anger. As a natural people-pleaser, I always found myself uncomfortable when someone was mad at me. When my abuser was upset with me it was a lot worse. I’d oftentimes find myself physically abused or yelled at when my abuser got mad at me. When I decided to end the relationship that I had with this person I felt relieved that I didn’t have to deal with this type of anger anymore.
And then I found anger in another source. This person is in a position of power over me. I’ve always been keenly aware that this person disliked me. They would say little comments here or there about something. But, then the yelling started and I found my throat tighten and tears spring to my eyes. Standing up for myself used to be so easy. And now it’s suddenly not.
I was abused for about four years give or take. And now that I left this person it’s like anger and disappointment are abusing me now. Every time this person in power contacts me I’m instantly nervous. I feel my heart quicken and my world spin. I never shook before because I was afraid but, it’s all I can do now. I hate it.
I left my abuser but their actions still have control over my life.
I try to rationalize to myself when people are angry. They will not hit me. They will not call me worthless and other terrible things that my abuser used to call me. I understand this but I can’t put two and two together. I go numb just like I used to when my abuser went through fits of anger.
Maggie Kuhn once said, “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind – even if your voice shakes.”, and I found myself repeating this phrase often now. It makes me feel like it is okay to be scared as long as I tried to be brave. I find myself repeating this mantra now when I find myself awkwardly healing into a changed person. I can’t wait to be the person who says, “No you can’t treat me that way,” with a certain amount of conviction that makes people believe it. I want to be the fearless sort of person that I once was before I forgot how to be.
Leaving abuse was like taking a long breath after holding everything in for a while. But, now I feel like I’m heaving instead of breathing normally. I can’t live like this forever. So I found myself rehearsing what I’m going to say when it’s time for me to stick up for myself. I don’t care if it sounds robotic or unconvincing. Saying it is what counts. After I left I promised myself that I would never let anyone hurt me that badly again. And part of keeping that promise is learning how to stick up for myself again. It’s terrifying but, like many hard things in life I know it’s worth it.