TRIGGER WARNING: This article covers a personal experience regarding suicide and mental health. Please proceed reading this article with caution if this topic might affect you. The suicide hotline information has been included at the end of the article. In cases of dealing with suicide, please contact a health professional or call your local hotline.
It was an impulsive decision, for I wasn’t even thinking. About 15 minutes went by, and I decided to do something that would change my life; that would end it. In 15 minutes, everything changed; I was no longer on top, and I was no longer their leader. I felt like I failed, and I didn’t know how to fix the mess that I made.
I’ve dealt with this pain, and the aftermath of my decision for the past two weeks. Sucide isn’t a joke; it’s not something a person does for attention. It’s a cry for help, telling people that you can no longer deal with your pain any longer.
I didn’t know where to go from here. It’s a good thing that I survived; however, a part of me did die. I was lost, confused, and enraged; I couldn’t help but think, what did I do wrong?
When a person goes through what I recently went through, it’s not easy to come back from it. Whether you’re still dealing with your pain that you may feel before having severe negative thoughts, or dealing with the aftermath trauma, you can feel broken.
I’ve felt broken for a long time, and didn’t even know where to begin with my life again. I am here to tell you that it gets better. Life after a suicide attempt isn’t always perfect, but you survived for a reason.
You’re alive because you matter in this world, and you have a purpose that you must deliver. College is stressful, especially for freshmen. It is important not to spend a majority of our nights studying all night for physics, but to get a good night’s rest instead. Perfection is a fantasy; we should instead focus our energy on what makes us happy.
Everybody has bad days; however, in the end, the sun will always shine tomorrow. To anyone who is dealing with the same pain that I have dealt with, please do not give up. There is only one you; no one will ever be you, and there will never be another you.
You are important, and you matter in our society. Don’t give up on your hopes and dreams, for this experience doesn’t define you as a person. Focus on the present, and not the future or the past.
If I could go back in time, I would tell myself that there is another way. I would tell myself that I did not fail, I was just not right for the position. It’s ok not to be ok; what is not ok is to feel as if the only way to get rid of your pain is to end your life.
There are resources out there that will help you for what you are going through. Never turn to suicide; remeber that you are not alone, and that you have people in your life that want you alive. When you feel that you may be reaching a point like this in your life, please remember that you are loved. You matter in this world, and you are here to make a difference in this world. Furthermore, there are some steps you can take to help you feel supported.
Within 15 minutes, talk with someone who is close to you, or try a coping skill that helps you. Take a minute to breathe and focus on the environment around you. The reason I am sharing my story is because I wouldn’t wish for anyone else to make the same mistake that I made, for 15 minutes is too long of a wait.
