This is another one of my little rants- however, this is going to be a little different; this is going to be a raw and unfiltered spew of words that have been tearing at my mind for a long time. I want to talk about the true importance of mental health- from a personal standpoint.
Since the age of 14, I have been unknowingly struggling with Anxiety/Stress disorder and Depression; documented by what seemed to be mindless entries in my Hannah Montana diary. Every other day I would sit down and write what had unfolded in the days of interest, and at the end of my “memorandums”, I would jot down what I was feeling . Recently, I came across my frayed diaries- with stickers decorating the front, and locks battered with successful attempts of entry, when I lost my keys. Upon reading my noted memories- that have in a way been reshaped in my mind in the form of sugarcoat, I found that there had been several entries with bottled up tears and pen marking a very distressed adolescent.
I had spent my childhood, and teenage years assuming the burdens of over-thinking, stressing, worrying and the countless nights of tear-filled sleep were nothing out of the ordinary- or perhaps as I had been constantly reminded that I am merely over-sensitive, and shouldn’t be like that. You see, my parents grew up in an Arab community drowning in the spoils of war, and primitive thinking that Mental Health is a predominantly Western philosophy that holds no prevalence in our lives- and I should just do as I’m told. Then I will be “happy.” With that firm shut ideology, I taught myself to bottle my thoughts and emotions- because maybe after all I truly was problematic. It wasn’t until I had moved away- to Queens- that I alas allowed myself the freedom of truly exploring my deepest and darkest thought- the emotions that have caused a plague of destruction; reigning over my being.
It wasn’t until 2 years ago that I realized the nagging thoughts, overwhelming blue, and shades of various Mental health issues, varying in tones of eating disorder, stress, anxiety, and depression, were not in fact a part of who I am- but rather an unnecessary extension that I should be rid of. Ergo, after a year of constant and consistent pushing I had received from friends, I sought out for professional help- and thus was given the confirmation that I in fact wasn’t the problem nor was I insane- I had simply been struggling with silent demons that had been fueled everyday with ignorant ideologies and slow-killing venom. So I brought to attention my underlying issues that surrounded my “problematic” self and was shocked to find understanding and light comfort from my mom- and was promised we would work together to combat the ticking grenades of self-destruction.
However, that promise never held and crumbled just as quickly in accompaniment of my progress–just like that, back to square one. Being back home, has solidified the lack of understanding and carefree handle of my “sensitive” being. I’m incessantly reminded to maintain my emotions, not to get too upset, not to cry, not to be sensitive, not to take everything to heart- there are people dealing with far worse. I’m battered and beat with my choked cry and clenched jaw- for should I express what’s bothering me, I am accused of being ungrateful, if I isolate to control my emotion- I am a selfish child who doesn’t appreciate or care for the family. So once again, mental health deteriorates and plumpets at insane speed- leaving me dizzy, weak, dazed and in a constant state of stress.
Alas, to anyone reading this I have had to learn the hard way over and over again that taking concerns of mental health into your own hands is extremely vital for self preservation and growth. Don’t let your happiness or the opposite be dependent on anyone but yourself- learn to cope, adapt, heal and grow by your lonesome. For I have had to yearn myself away from the supposed comfort of family and teach myself control, habit and assurance. And I shall continue to work on myself independently- for nothing matters more than being secure and at home within your own body. For now, this will be my last article- and rant of the year- I hope you all stay safe and sane and look forward to reuniting in the next term.
