It’s the top of the new year. A time in which self-reflection creeps up on us all until small aspects of our lives face big evaluations. This may be some peoples’ idea of fun or worst nightmare – regardless, it’s what we’re told we should be doing. By who? Well, I’m not too sure.
From my personal experience, people view the new year as a chance to cut out what isn’t working in their lives and fill that gap with a mountain of goals, either realistic or ridiculous. It’s at this point, a few weeks into January when the reality of our expectations sink in. Sure, accepting what isn’t going to happen can be refreshing in its own way. Returns to normalcy often restore comfort, don’t they? However, for some people this era of rationality and restoration brings panic.
“Why can’t I do this?
“What if I’m like this forever?”
“Will it ever change?”
I understand new year’s resolutions (or whatever term you’ve assigned your mountain of goals to feel better about them) to be about breaking patterns. When the clock strikes midnight, routine seems counterproductive and change is deemed necessary. Then it’s all about cutting out, bringing in, making time for everything (except for that one thing), etc., etc. These thoughts may seem both glorious and somehow manageable, but that’s often only with rose-tinted glasses. In fact, most patterns seem hopelessly indestructible once the glasses come off.
And, as we know, the harder the pattern seems to break, the more broken our egos become.
(Good thing our love for wordplay remains intact!)
We so often evaluate our growth by logging which patterns are successfully adapted. So much so that we hardly accept credit for the awareness, impulse, and small victories that are part of making said changes. If you’re one of those people, I imagine this time of year feels a little grey. I’ve been you, and I know it’s tough to navigate. All I offer is a simple reminder:
There is a benefit to being unsuccessful in breaking patterns. Bear with me. Change is abrupt when we “succeed”. When there’s so much change around us, it’s hard to comprehend how we, ourselves, are actually changing. If our surroundings become too new, our sense of self is dizzied and it becomes increasingly difficult to separate from external developments. Sure, external developments can be exciting, but they can also trick us. The distraction of change might even slow us down. When patterns remain, albeit, against our will, we are given a chance to see how we re-approach our old tricks. Without this experience, we’d lose the opportunity to see how our response will differ from the first time around, or the second, or the third.
Of course, I wish everyone success in ridding themselves of frustrating or harmful patterns. However, that doesn’t mean failure in the process of change has to make us feel stagnant. Trying is good enough. Not just because I think we deserve participation medals for securing happy existences (which, I do), but because the act of trying indicates progress and helps us understand ourselves better. Plus the opportunity to truly recognize small victories makes every goal feel a little bit more attainable.
It’s not about whirlwind changes and immediate progress. It’s about listening to ourselves and finding ourselves in the losses and gains. Most importantly, it’s about being kind to ourselves.
By championing tenderness and self-awareness, new patterns will form, as they always do.
And with that, happy middle of January!