I have always been a funny girl.
Actually, let me rephrase that: I have always been an insecure girl.
When I was younger, I always felt like the odd girl out. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea and think I’m saying, “OMG I’m such a quirky girl! Look at me, I’m different.” But, I don’t think I fully engaged with people because I didn’t think they would like who I am. I always felt too chubby, too annoying, or too brown (which is a different can of worms we’ll get into on a different day).
I tried so hard to fit in with the “cool kids” at my school because I wanted to be included so badly. I wanted to feel wanted, and the only reason I think some people allowed me to feel that way was because I was funny. I was a constant comedic relief for people that made me feel bad about myself.
I adopted this wit and humor as a coping mechanism so people would only focus on this aspect of my personality (I know legit 99.9 percent of people do this and I’m super basic for it). I don’t think it was anyone’s intention to bring me down, but it was always hard trying to find my place in the world with a constant fear of not fitting in.
But don’t you worry your pretty little head, I eventually learned my self-worth and found people that actually appreciated me. Something interesting that happened was the humor coping mechanism I developed as a kid always stayed with me.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t like being an incredibly hilarious and perfect person ;). But through any time in my life where I have gone through adversity, through my anxiety and moments of grief, comedy has always helped me. Humor has always been my savior through the difficulties life has thrown at me.
Whether it be watching the “Bugs” Saturday Night Live sketch or actually performing comedy for people and making them laugh it has always been an escape from the daunting realities of life.
When I got to Penn State I made one of the greatest discoveries of my life — and no it wasn’t the cookies in West Halls (but honestly SHEESH those are fire!). As a freshman, I was super scared of coming to PSU. It was so new and overwhelming.
Almost all of the people I interacted with were Chads, Brads, and Staceys, and as I mentioned previously, I don’t really jive with these kinds of people. I eventually stumbled upon Second Floor Stand-Up. I went to almost all of their shows my first semester and I will admit I was a hard-core fan.
On one of these Friday nights, I found Derby. They were an all-women’s comedy troupe and as a freshman, I wanted nothing more than to be a part of this group. They were funny, cool and seemed welcoming enough to accept someone like me.
I was still scared that they wouldn’t like me or that I wouldn’t be funny enough. I mean I had only been funny out of necessity and not necessarily because I was naturally funny. But I eventually grew a pair and joined. This was the best decision I have made in a very long time. These people have taught me so much about myself and have shown me to not give an F about others’ opinions. Through performing comedy, I have learned how to break through the insecurities that forced me to fear as a kid in school.
I love comedy, and it will always be ingrained in my person, even if its roots aren’t the happiest. It has kept me afloat time and time again; I will eternally be grateful for its existence.