 As my first year of college is beginning to come to a close, I have found myself looking back and reflecting on what I have written for Her Campus. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and when I developed anxiety, it also became a way for me to cope with it. Whenever I feel stressed or another overwhelming emotion, I am compelled to pick up a pen and express myself and how I feel on paper.
My most recent contribution to Her Campus, “Letters,” is an accurate representation of the state of my mental health right now. I was curious to see my mental state in the past, so in addition to reviewing what I have written for Her Campus, I took a look back in time at what I wrote in high school as well. This poem specifically that I came across grabbed my attention:
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“It wouldn’t matter
If I wasn’t there
No one’s world would shatter
No one would care
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One is not significant
What can one do
Nothing they can’t
It’s nothing new
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One less student
One less inconvenience
No more sins to repent
No more lack of achievements
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Only the smartest survive
The rest are weeded out
They were not meant to die
But to disappear no doubt
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Slowly slip away
Until you’re a ghost
Leave day by day
Your presence unbeknownst
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One day they will probably say
What happened to that girl
She said she would be an english major one day
But now she’s gone from the world
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Pens turn to pills faster than you think
Scribbles turn to scratches in weeks
You can’t save someone on the brink
When they are already gone and they cannot speak
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Let them go
Paper burns for so long
But this permanent ink will show
What went so wrong”
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What struck me so strongly about this poem was the correlation between it and my piece “Letters.” Each of them respectively embodies my state of mind at the time I wrote them, and I am proud of how far I have come with my mental health. At the time I wrote this poem, I was in a very dark place, and felt as though I did not matter. Now, not only have I gotten through high school and nearly completed my first year of college, but I have also achieved a much healthier state of mind. I have learned to work with my anxiety, not against it, and my relationship with myself has greatly improved. The letters I wrote to myself have reflected my mental health and self-love journey, showing how strong I have become. As I finish my first year, I am far from finished on both my personal path and with my writing career, and I will continue to grow and rise through my writing.
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