As my first year of college is beginning to come to a close, I have found myself looking back and reflecting on what I have written for Her Campus. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and when I developed anxiety, it also became a way for me to cope with it. Whenever I feel stressed or another overwhelming emotion, I am compelled to pick up a pen and express myself and how I feel on paper.
My most recent contribution to Her Campus, “Letters,” is an accurate representation of the state of my mental health right now. I was curious to see my mental state in the past, so in addition to reviewing what I have written for Her Campus, I took a look back in time at what I wrote in high school as well. This poem specifically that I came across grabbed my attention:
“It wouldn’t matter
If I wasn’t there
No one’s world would shatter
No one would care
One is not significant
What can one do
Nothing they can’t
It’s nothing new
One less student
One less inconvenience
No more sins to repent
No more lack of achievements
Only the smartest survive
The rest are weeded out
They were not meant to die
But to disappear no doubt
Slowly slip away
Until you’re a ghost
Leave day by day
Your presence unbeknownst
One day they will probably say
What happened to that girl
She said she would be an english major one day
But now she’s gone from the world
Pens turn to pills faster than you think
Scribbles turn to scratches in weeks
You can’t save someone on the brink
When they are already gone and they cannot speak
Let them go
Paper burns for so long
But this permanent ink will show
What went so wrong”
What struck me so strongly about this poem was the correlation between it and my piece “Letters.” Each of them respectively embodies my state of mind at the time I wrote them, and I am proud of how far I have come with my mental health. At the time I wrote this poem, I was in a very dark place, and felt as though I did not matter. Now, not only have I gotten through high school and nearly completed my first year of college, but I have also achieved a much healthier state of mind. I have learned to work with my anxiety, not against it, and my relationship with myself has greatly improved. The letters I wrote to myself have reflected my mental health and self-love journey, showing how strong I have become. As I finish my first year, I am far from finished on both my personal path and with my writing career, and I will continue to grow and rise through my writing.