Dear her campus reader,
Thump-dub. Thump-dub. Thump-dub. I remember the breeze of the December night traveling up my anxiety-riddled spine. My heart rate was in a persistent battle against the relentless drops of rain pelting my window.
“Breathe, De’Aniya, Breathe,” I muttered the words to myself as I prayed them into existence. “You jumped the gun and already bought the ticket. We can’t back out now.”
My seasonal depression was at an all time high, and I needed an escape—a moment to be able to feel again. What I didn’t bank on was that that “feeling” would challenge me.
As I stared at the illuminated AMC sign, I couldn’t help but think every passing pair of eyes was peering into me. I know everyone assumes that Leos crave anything that brings attention to them, but the truth is, it’s only when we want it administered on our terms.
I hesitantly sat in my seat, and took a moment to scope the scenery around the theatre. My search ended with the result of a common theme: excitement buzzing from couples, friends, and families. To be fair, it was Beyonce’s Renaissance film—it was a no brainer. I didn’t expect anything less, yet the idea of being solely in my own company made my palms extremely clammy against my newly thrifted jeans.
How could I do something so impulsive? How could I put myself in this predicament to be pried into? How could I allow myself to be…lonely? That word lingered the longest. Lonely. As the lights dimmed and the chatter slowly came to a halt, a realization dawned upon me: “De’Aniya. You are not lonely, you are simply alone. Solitude doesn’t make you weak, it allows you to learn to be stronger.”
The rest of the night consisted of me laughing, dancing in my seat, and singing to my hearts’ content. I pushed my way through the theatre’s exit, even though that meant I had to face reality again. The chilly breeze felt like a breath of fresh air. Although I had to first go through angst, I eventually found beauty in the art of being solo. From that day forward, I made it my mission to implement solo dating into my livelihood.
The contents of this article will help you discover the meaning of solo dating, the value in isolation, and navigating the initial awkwardness!
“Table for one, please”
In case you aren’t familiar, solo dating is the practice of taking oneself out for experiences and/or activities with the benefit of reinforcing self discovery and personal development. It can be displayed as a simple act, however it contains complexities that allow you to face your worst enemy: yourself. This may seem intimidating at first, but it soon grows to be something you’ll regret living without.
When you get to know someone romantically—and sometimes even platonically—it typically leads to the same question being asked: “Can I take you out?” This leads to the usual answer: “Yes!” Simple, right? You go with the hopes of figuring out their likes, dislikes, and push the boundaries a bit. How come we don’t give ourselves this same luxury?
Think of it this way: You are taking out your soulmate to build a connection you couldn’t have possibly anticipated. Vulnerability is a phenomenon that the majority of the population is afraid of enduring. Nevertheless, it will happen, but instead of treating it as a weakness, make it a strength! You have to first break something down for it to be built back up again.
No journey is easy, but that’s what makes it so rewarding. It sounds cliche, but it’s true! Putting yourself first doesn’t have to be a selfish thing or seen as a punishment. It’s taking the time to get to understand yourself again and to know what fulfills your heart. It’s a commitment to give yourself the love that you wish others would pour into you—just like you pour into them. It’s a guidebook on how you deserve to be seen, heard, and loved! It’s a promise to yourself that you are your first love, your first home. Everything stems from home.
the first step to anything? trying.
I wish I could tell you that you can just skip the awkwardness of it all, but I would be lying. The funny thing about fear is that it’s seen as this dreadful unease that can consume you at any moment. You might be thinking to yourself, “that’s exactly what it means,” and you wouldn’t be wrong—but I have another way to look at it. Fear really just means you’re human. You’re just like everyone else. So if everyone experiences it, what are you so afraid of?
Here’s how to overcome the initial “scaries” you may feel on your first couple of solo dates:
1. Start Small. All wins are meant to be celebrated! Since you are dealing with your boundaries, patience is very much accessible. Don’t put too many expectations on yourself for your first outing to be life-changing. The more you continue, the more your confidence will bloom.
2. Shift your mindset. Someone once told me that nervousness and excitement feel the exact same. I’m no scientist, but that sounds legit to me. Change the way you perceive your peace! You’re not scared, you’re excited. You’re not alone, you’re just not depending on anyone to validate your happiness. You aren’t a “void,” you’re just filling yourself up with a respectable amount of love and tranquility.
3. Write down a list of why you’re doing this for yourself. If you don’t have a clear understanding of why you’re practicing self care in this form, it makes it that easy to just give it up. With a list of reasons, it becomes a physical embodiment of goals that encourages you to keep going until you reach a desired outcome.
4. Come to the realization that sometimes all you have is yourself. Friends and family move, opportunities are taken, relationships are made or drifted apart—sustainability cannot co-exist with co-dependency. Life is so unpredictable and if you can’t keep up, it will continue on without you. If you make a friend within yourself, you are never really truly alone.
signing off
Remember, you are human. We all burnout. We all get a bit sad. We all lose our sense of self. We all want to figure out a way to become better. I can’t say this will alter every single difficulty in your life, but I hope it at least helps you find your way back home.
I challenge you to take yourself on ONE solo date this week! Plan one date and write down how it made you feel. There’s no rules or expectations, you can do whatever you want.
If you’re feeling a little stumped on what activities you can do, here’s a small list of starters:
1. Go to a bookstore (one of my personal favorites).
2. Go see a movie.
3. Grab a bite to eat.
4. Visit your favorite coffee shop.
5. Go to a park and journal/have a picnic.
6. Travel to a museum.
7. Go for a walk or hike.
8. Explore downtown (be careful!)
Good luck. I believe in you. I’m proud of you. You are loved.
Sincerely, Solo