Last week, I watched a TED talk about a guy who has never made a social media account in his life, and he talked about how he thinks social media is almost poisonous. To me social media is an addiction, and the creators of different networks have found a way to keep their apps entertaining and us completely hooked. I’m currently going through some trying times. I was recently broken up with and I am facing my mental health issues head-on. The last thing I need is another addiction, or another thing to make me feel worse about myself. Multiple studies have shown that social media is linked to increased depression and lowered self-esteem, which makes a lot of sense. Social media is a way for society to be right in your face, and possibly more aggressive and angry than ever. I quit, and kept a journal of what each day was like.
Wednesday: I woke up and checked my Facebook, where a post from my ex was at the top of my wall. I felt sick for a moment and then I remembered the Ted Talk that I had watched last night as I was trying to fall asleep. The guy talking had no social media accounts at all, and still managed to have a successful career and life. This was the last straw. I began deleting every social media app off of my phone. I made one last post to my Snapchat story saying that I was deleting it, and then I deleted it. I also took the opportunity to clean out my phone of all the apps I wasn’t using. After that I got out of bed and went to class. The rest of the day was pretty normal, since I mostly use my phone for music when I’m at school. In the afternoon I thought about a few people that I had been talking to on Snapchat and didn’t have my number, so I downloaded the app again for a few minutes so that I could reply to a couple of “What’s your number?” messages. Then I promptly deleted it again. Later in the day I sat down for a solo dinner and read a book (which I brought just in case I got bored since I had no social media). It was really nice to take some downtime without the pull of social media to distract me. On any normal day, I would have taken out my phone and scrolled through Facebook or Instagram. I messaged one more friend my number via Facebook on my laptop and then I was done for the day.
Thursday: I woke up in a panic because I had been worrying about my ex again the night before. I have been turning on my phone, even when I have no notifications, and expecting to scroll mindlessly through Facebook or Instagram. My phone now serves as just a way for me to contact people and listen to music. It’s almost like I’m back in Japan again, with my flip phone in one pocket and my iPod Classic in the other. Back then I did have a Facebook but I had to get on a computer with Windows XP to use it. My parents were pretty strict with me when it came to using the internet. The internet for the computer shut off at 10 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. After I got my laptop I wasn’t allowed to use it upstairs. My life before social media was more calm and I was happier. I’m really hoping this works.
Friday: I found out that I wasn’t going to be able to make it to the football game because I had to work. My day was pretty boring up until I got home and started watching TV. I got triggered again by something I’d seen and decided it would be a good idea to call my ex. He didn’t answer as it was 12:30 a.m., but it was still something I am not proud of. I still blame myself for what happened and long for stability with him again, even though I know it will never happen.
Saturday: I’m not checking my phone as often but I find now that I am more anxious to receive texts from people. I find that I watch YouTube and TV a lot more now, since I can’t scroll through Instagram or something. Checking my email regularly is also a trend that I picked up on. Our phones are our way of entertaining ourselves when we’re bored, and when you take away some of the things that make your phone entertaining, you try to find other things to do until that gets boring, until you stop using it. I may become bored of my phone in the future, who knows? I went to a party and met some new people, which was super refreshing. I very obviously flirted with a guy and got his number. My phone stayed in my jacket pocket for most of the night and I simply enjoyed myself. That guy ended up taking my roommate and I home, and I dropped my phone in his car.
Sunday: I got my phone back and work dragged on. I worried a lot about the things that I have been saying to people and the way that I have been carrying myself for the last couple of weeks. Since the breakup I have been stalking, and lurking, and reluctant to delete the evidence of the relationship because I want to keep lamenting in the last time I felt happy. I understand now that it was a temporary high, where I knew I’d come down at some point, but it still sucks to be back at the bottom. There were a couple of times where I was tempted to go on Facebook and see what my ex was up to but I was away from my computer. Lately I have been using social media to create more reasons to worry about things that don’t really matter. I already have anxiety, without the constant urge to see what everyone else is doing. One thing that I would do in a relationship is get mad at the person for posting something before texting me. These days there’s no space to breathe. We close ourselves in with expectations and wanting to feel good all the time, while hiding what we really feel.
Today I also considered deleting my social media accounts completely. I’m still deciding what is going to be the best thing to do for my mental health and what’s going to have my best interests in mind. Recently I have been having issues with getting everything done in a timely manner so maybe not being on my phone as much will remedy that. I just “relapsed” and checked my Facebook on my computer. I went to my ex’s profile and now I am upset that he seems to be doing well and is happy. It makes me wonder if he is actually happy or if that is what he wants everyone else to think, much like most people who regularly post on social media.
Monday: My Snapchat has been deactivated. If I go back on it within 30 days I’ll be able to use it like nothing happened. Otherwise it’ll be deleted. One thing I have noticed is that I have stored certain memories on certain apps, and I’m now trying to decide whether those memories are worth keeping, sort of like when you pick out things in your house to give away. I can, of course, recall most of the things I have stored in my Snapchat memories, but they are less concrete in my head than they are on my phone. Society now is dependent upon the concrete evidence of those experiences, and there’s a sense of validation in having a picture of everything you’ve done in your life. It’s good to have pictures of things but it’s unhealthy to believe that if there was no picture that it didn’t happen. That showing your social media followers the videos you took of a concert is more important than escaping in the world of the concert and just enjoying yourself.
Tuesday: This morning, it was hard to get up and leave my house. So much of me wanted to curl up in my bed and forget the world exists. I continue to resist the urge to stalk my ex on social media, because I know that if I give in it will be detrimental to my recovery. I spend a lot of my time on YouTube still, probably because it’s baby steps from social media. It’s confusing to people that I want to be rid of social media altogether, probably because they are sucked into the addiction as much as I was. I deactivated my Facebook last night, but I wish I could just delete my account and forget it even existed. I’m increasingly frustrated by companies clinging onto my accounts, in hopes that I’ll come back to play eventually. If I really want to come back I can always make a new account and start over. I thought about making an account of some sort strictly for my artwork last night. I don’t know if I want to enter back in that world just yet, but I think it might be a good idea. I know that no one truly cares about what I post, but it might be fun, and give me a chance to get away from some of the things I want to leave in the past. Today has been a pretty normal day. I feel like I am slowly starting to come back to my own, and compelled to read and write more. I’m hoping that this feeling lasts.
Wednesday: I haven’t been sleeping much, since my mind still wants to stay up late. I bought two books yesterday, and I hope that they’re good and I will have enough down time to read them. The urge to go on social media is waning, but still there. I find that I will still turn on my phone to find something to do even if I don’t have a notification. My phone is kind of useless now, except as a musical device and for sending the occasional text. Since I’m so used to posting life’s events on social media I haven’t really been texting anyone about what I’m doing. However, I have noticed that not many people take interest in what I’m doing besides my closest friends and my parents. No surprise there. We all mainly focus on ourselves and rarely give a crap about anyone else.
It’s later in the day, and I’m sitting in the library, terrified that I’m going to see my ex. I’m not panicking (thank you medicine) but I would rather not have to deal with those emotions head-on today. The last time I was here was when I saw him. It was the first time I had seen him since I snapped at him for something that wasn’t his fault. I hate living in fear but it’s not something I can control very much. The extent of my control is over my general mindset and of my heart rate, once I figure out that it’s beating faster. A lot of the time I will start panicking about something and not even realize that my body is reacting to the panicking inside my head. One attack stands out to me because it was one of my worst. I was walking around ODU and my heartbeat started to spiral out of control. I felt light-headed and everything started to fade around me. I became dizzy and almost fell over.
At this point in time, I don’t want to get back on social media for a while. I have enjoyed the break and I want to continue taking a break from the madness of it. Thanks for coming along with me on this journey.