Contraception for women is as exciting as a flu shot. Yes, you get a benefit out of it, yes, it’s for your own
good. Doesn’t make it less scary, or less painful.
Around this time last year, I was still pushing hard on maintaining my new year’s resolutions, among
which I had determined that I would take better care of myself, and my health. This implied I would walk
every day instead of taking the bus, I would eat leaner and home-made meals only… and I would get a
contraceptive implant. Talking to my friends in December when I went back home made me realize that
everyone except me was in some kind of contraception. I felt so dumb, especially because I had just had
(yet another!) pregnancy scare (which, in reality, was just that I’ve always been irregular in my periods).
How could I be so irresponsible? I thought. How come everybody’s taking care of themselves except me?
Little did I know that hormone-based contraception does not equal self-care. For some women, it may.
For others, it can do more harm than good.
My first days with the implant were terrifying. I had a tiny rod up my arm, and a booklet the size of a throw blanket listing some of the possible known risks. Blood clots, thrombosis, weight gain, weight loss,
amenorrhea, excessive bleeding… Basically anything that happened to me in the following four years may
or may not be caused by the implant.
My arm’s bruise faded away, and so did my concerns for a while. I realized that the percentage of people
who had severe consequences due to the implant was low, and I probably had nothing to worry about.
However, I have to admit, I’m a slave to my hormones. This should have been my first sign not to get the implant.
As many other women do, I experience every human emotion in the lapse of the 48 hours previous to the
first day of my period. Whenever I find myself crying over being unlovable or spiralling because I dropped
a coin, that’s my sign that I will get my period tomorrow. Imagine now living perpetually in those two days, swinging back and forth between anger and sadness (and self-hatred too). That’s how I felt.
I felt too intensely, and I struggled to understand why it was so difficult to control my emotions. Two
weeks a month, I would feel horrible about myself, and every small thing that made me upset turned into
a fight with my friends, arguments that ended in tears, or simply me overthinking everything. But it was
like clockwork. Two weeks of insanity, two weeks of being normal. I noticed the pattern, I thought I may need help, and I booked a GP appointment.
Something they don’t warn you about is that, when you get your implant fitted, you’re giving up any right
to complain about any kind of pain or discomfort you may experience. Because even though nobody is
certain that those things may be related to the implant, well… they may be! They may not be! Who even
cares enough to find out?
My self-perception was at a low point. The mood swings, combined with the fact that I was starting to go
to the gym and eating healthier, became a trigger for a long-gone eating disorder that I had gotten over
years ago. I felt like I was gaining weight, I looked at myself with despise, and when I went to the
occupational therapist to talk about these initial symptoms (that I could recognize were a slippery slope
for an ED), unfortunately, the answer was always the same. Yeah, it may be the implant!
It was only for six months that I could convince myself to just wait a little longer, that maybe I would get
used to the mood swings, that maybe it was all in my head and I just had to lock in. But in my head, I
could not stand to think that all these things had been caused by it. What if they weren’t? What if there was something wrong with me, and no one would be able to tell because it’d get dismissed as a side
effect?
I felt like I was going insane. And I decided, after months of feeling like my life was falling apart only
because I could not get a hold of my emotions, that the wisest choice was to remove the implant. I could not stand thinking that maybe everything was because of it, or maybe it wasn’t. Why are women
expected to put up with all kinds of bizarre symptoms for the sake of their partner? My implant was removed exactly six months after it had been fitted, and if it was a placebo or if it actually
was causing all of these things in me, I will never know. What I do know is that taking control of my
body made me feel better than I had felt in months, when it felt like the implant was in control of me and
not the other way around. My mood stabilized, my period went back to normal, and soon I realized that
maybe I was being too hard on myself?
Contraception is not black or white: it’s a scale of greys, and it is a decision to be pondered from a
personal perspective. It’s not about if it is good or bad for you: it’s about if it is suitable for your lifestyle
and your body. Everyone is different: listen to your body, don’t be afraid to try other options, and treat
yourself with respect. You deserve to feel comfortable with any choice you make <3
As for me, they gave me pills in case I wanted to try something else. But they’re still in the brown Boots
paper bag, waiting for me to decide if I want to start. In the end, it’s my choice :)